Author Topic: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE  (Read 25406 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« on: May 21, 2009, 01:44:41 PM »

 allgood


1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.



14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......



16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!! Up-out





Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline SandyB

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 5232
  • Karma: +41/-0
  • Oranjemund 1956 - 1980 now in Woodstock Cape Town
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2009, 10:58:57 PM »
 catmusic   more to come ... ?
To see  sometimes  requires that you  first believe .

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2009, 11:21:26 AM »


Michael. image04    With your Scottish heritage you and Sandy should be able to decipher this one




    GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
     
     
    They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

    So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

    A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

    'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

    'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
     
    'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

    Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

    In a quiet voice he said:
     
    'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

    'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'   


    'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
    and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident
                                                        EITHER .................................................. image203




Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2009, 09:27:41 AM »


A Blonde city girl marries a Colorado   rancher.     Boobs
 
 
One morning, on his way out to check on  the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate  one of our cows today.
 
I drove a nail into the  2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is  when he gets here, okay?


 
 
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the  artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him  down to the barn.
 
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the  nail, she tells him,  'This is the one  right here.'
 
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me  lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is  the cow to be bred?'
 
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very  confidently..
 
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray  tell, is the nail for?'
 
The blonde turns to  walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants  on.'     :culo1:
 
('Chalk up one for the  Blonde!' . . It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in  awhile.)   cat3



Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2009, 11:38:57 AM »


An Oldie



            THE  HAIRCUT.         ape

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get
a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2
hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."


A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,










"Your house!"






Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2009, 04:26:40 PM »


Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.

The receptionist says:

Shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies…..

Don’t be thucking thupid I’d thufficate!!!!        image04


Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2009, 06:01:37 AM »

 Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. rooster




    'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' ape

     

    'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
     

     

    'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? -

     

    a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?'  rooster
     

    'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,' 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .' 
     

 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
 

 

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.

 

'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo....'

'Are you sure?'

 

'I'm fookin sure...' 
 

 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

 

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

 

'Dat it is, Sir.'

 

There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

 

'Cuckoo is the correct answer!  Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
 

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

 

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'

 

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'    kiss







Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #7 on: June 06, 2009, 10:47:29 AM »


 image04
2 Beggars
 
Parvinder and Habib are street   beggars. They beg in different areas of  Brisbane
 
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder  but only collects $2 to $3 every day.
 
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL  of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
 in a mortgage-free house and has a lot  of money to spend.
 
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as  long and hard as you do but how
 do you bring home a suitcase full of  $10 notes every day?'
 
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign,  what does it say'?
 
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a  wife and 6 kids to support'.
 
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get  $2- $3.'
 
Habib says, 'So what does your sign  say'?
 
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.
 
It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan ‘ :nono1:








Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2009, 11:15:52 AM »

 allgood

 A blonde gets a job as a teacher.



She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak  to
him.



'You ok?' she  says.    'Yes.' he  says.



'You can go and  play with the other kids you know.' she  says.



'It's best I stay  here' he says. 'Why?' says the  blonde.









The boy says:  'Because, I'm the bloody  goalie'    yellocard














Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2009, 12:15:12 PM »

A heart-warming story. fantasy-18



A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,


 







'Johnnie Walker Black Label Whiskey and women with big tits.'    23_146_26



Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2009, 02:50:03 PM »

 allgood

The Vicar's Salary




At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.           :emot112_2:

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.                                  :emot112_2:

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'                                    kiss

There is total silence.       catmusic

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:               
'
Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:



















'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,   'F#CK HIM'











Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline Chris Macpherson

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 624
  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2009, 06:36:16 PM »
I Like!!!!!! rooster image201 image201

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2009, 01:14:06 AM »

 goodmorning

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to Operate on. The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating Table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.


The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.


The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.


The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction Workers .. those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:  'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine . Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.......... rooster



Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 3087
  • Karma: +47/-0
  • I'm as old as my tongue and a little older than my
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #13 on: June 24, 2009, 05:01:12 AM »


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the  roof of the cave to get  some sleep. 164



Pretty  soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling  him
about where he got it.  He told them to p!ss off  & let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he  finally gave in. ape


"OK, follow me", he said & flew  out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind  him. fantasy-18

Down through a valley they went, across a river  & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all  the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues  hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak  tree over there?" he asked


"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats  all screamed in a frenzy.


"Good for you!" said the bat,  "Because I f*cking didn't."


Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline Bertie Horak

  • Oranjemunder
  • *****
  • Posts: 2678
  • Karma: +32/-0
Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #14 on: June 24, 2009, 05:27:20 AM »
 image201
Oranjemund 1965-1982.