Author Topic: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE  (Read 24408 times)

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Offline Bertie Horak

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #30 on: July 28, 2009, 08:08:04 PM »
 image201  you rock
Oranjemund 1965-1982.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #31 on: July 31, 2009, 12:12:31 PM »



Hope this is not offensive to anyone I just ................... image04



THE PENIS STUDY

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the  study, the French decided to do they're own study.

After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead......... image201 image04




Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline SandyB

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #32 on: July 31, 2009, 08:19:46 PM »
ouch !!   image19
To see  sometimes  requires that you  first believe .

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #33 on: August 03, 2009, 11:55:36 AM »

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'


The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.


'YES' SAYS THE CHINESE DOCTOR, 'WAIT TWO WEEKS. FAW OFF BY ITSELF!!'....................... image04


Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline Patricia Lotte

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2009, 12:38:22 PM »
 image201 image201
OPS ('74-'79)
RGHS ('80-'84)

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2009, 06:18:48 AM »


           IT'S TOUGH GETTING OLD !!        8_1_220(55)

 A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.


When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

                               The wife yells back to him,


                         






                          "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"


                          AND I AM NOT GETTING AT ANYONE..................... image04

Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline Patricia Lotte

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #36 on: August 10, 2009, 09:50:54 AM »
I'm shocked ...

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe" Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans" Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

OPS ('74-'79)
RGHS ('80-'84)

Offline Chris Macpherson

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #37 on: August 10, 2009, 03:26:33 PM »
A boy was playing in the farm field when his mom called him for breakfast. On his way in he kicked the cow,a pig and the chicken. He sits down at the table to a dry bowl of cereal.He asks '' Whats the deal?'' His mom says, ''You kicked the cow so no milk for you,you kicked the pig so no bacon for you and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.'' Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidently kicks the cat. Then the boy says,'' Do you want me to tell him or will you?''

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #38 on: August 11, 2009, 03:25:52 AM »



Took me a few moments for that one .......image201 image201 image201 image04


Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #39 on: August 12, 2009, 04:34:03 AM »

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM


Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.


The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

 The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
 The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.

 She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream,

'When I came in here I was tall and Slender! Now I'm short and fat!'



She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.................................... image04


Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #40 on: August 13, 2009, 03:25:39 PM »

Little  Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born  without ears.


 When  mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
 invited over to see the  baby. Before  they left their house, Little
 Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no  ears.


His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned  anything about the
 baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of
 his life when they  came back home.


 Little Johnnie told his dad he understood  completely.. When  Johnnie
 looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."


The mother  said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie  said, "He has
 beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and
really  beautiful eyes. Can he see?"


"Yes", the mother replied, "we  are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

 


"That's  great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fu*ked if he needed glasses!"..


................................................................................................ image04





Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline SandyB

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #41 on: August 13, 2009, 09:31:14 PM »
NOT OFTEN I CONTRIBUTE HERE BUT  THESE ARE GOOD PLAYS ON WORDS ..

 Creative Puns for Educated Minds   

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, --  --but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --  --and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --  --it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --  --and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France -- --would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. -- --They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. -- --Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. -- --The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism --   --is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--  -- Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, --  --'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road --   --is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --  --was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --  --is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet --  --writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --  --In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --  --they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: --  --Practice safe sects !
To see  sometimes  requires that you  first believe .

Offline Chris Macpherson

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #42 on: August 15, 2009, 09:27:45 PM »
@frank very good lad..@ Sandy pretty good there, some quite wrap around the tongue ones there.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #43 on: August 17, 2009, 06:34:07 AM »

I think some lady's out there, no the feeling

A Woman's Tale

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said,  'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'  Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner, Batman?"............. image04



Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline SandyB

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #44 on: August 17, 2009, 08:42:12 PM »
DEAD MAN WALKING ...    catmusic
To see  sometimes  requires that you  first believe .