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GENERAL DISCUSSIONS! => Paula's Crib! => Topic started by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 15, 2008, 10:49:14 PM

Title: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 15, 2008, 10:49:14 PM
This is a joke section just to make you laugh or put a smile on your face.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 15, 2008, 10:51:17 PM
now lets see you all smile, say "CHEESE!"

 sorriso2

(see attached)
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 16, 2008, 12:11:26 AM
Here's a real Biker!

 image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Donald Duck on July 16, 2008, 06:27:30 PM
Paulas Wine Glass :

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Diana Rudd (Boehme) on July 16, 2008, 08:24:10 PM
I've also got one of those   drinking-37
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on July 16, 2008, 11:21:24 PM
Viv used to have a 750 ml wine glass .. she would take it to functions ..  Oh boy many a hazy  crazy night we had together in CT when she was rediscovering her single status ...
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: vivienne on July 17, 2008, 08:50:26 AM
Sandles, I still use that glass as one of my party tricks and boy do I get the look will be using it again on Saturday
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 18, 2008, 11:49:49 AM
Sh...t Kenny, you would not like to see me if that was my wine glass and I had drunk it

 image281 drinking-37 poledancing1 discodance image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Donald Duck on July 18, 2008, 09:50:46 PM
I've just bought a new Mazda 3 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

 "Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

 "Willie!", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

 I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the Australian National Anthem began to play, sung by Thabo Mbeki and Jacob Zuma, backed up by Robert Mugabe and The Zanu PF, with Alec Erwin on guitar, Robert McBride on drums, Jackie Selebi on harmonica, Judge John Hlope on tambourine, George Bush on sax and Dr Manto-Tshabalala Msimang on scotch...
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Donald Duck on July 24, 2008, 07:34:21 PM
A flea hops into a bar and downs five double whiskys in quick order then hops out again. Once outside, he jumps high in the air and comes crashing down on his face on the pavement.

"Damn", he says, "someone stole my dog!"
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on July 24, 2008, 10:35:06 PM
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the Australian National Anthem began to play, sung by Thabo Mbeki and Jacob Zuma, backed up by Robert Mugabe and The Zanu PF, with Alec Erwin on guitar, Robert McBride on drums, Jackie Selebi on harmonica, Judge John Hlope on tambourine, George Bush on sax and Dr Manto-Tshabalala Msimang on scotch...
You forgot  Mr slippery Shlope ...  singing about the benefits of having an " Oasis "
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 24, 2008, 11:41:42 PM
This is for everyone to test their eyes.

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Donald Duck on July 25, 2008, 06:36:40 PM
An Insight into Paulas Brain:

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 25, 2008, 11:11:47 PM
as if you would know Kenny with your one brain cell all on it's lonesome!

 laughpoint :culo1:

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 26, 2008, 12:06:35 AM
Here's a nice view for the smokers!

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on July 28, 2008, 11:37:50 AM
Something that  made  me  laugh yesterday //
 Driving  around  yesterday  .. one  normally  see  proud   new   parents   with the  diamond shaped sticker   in  the  back  window  " BABY  IN CAR "   

 the one  I  saw on the back of this  Golf  read .

" NIGHTMARE IN CAR "

Sorry  tried to get a pic , but the  driver   sped off  ..
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Donald Duck on July 29, 2008, 04:06:05 PM
Paula heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Paula came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
Paula said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'   
'No," replied Paula, "Just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on July 29, 2008, 04:12:23 PM
Uh Oh !! somebodys in trouble ..
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on July 31, 2008, 11:04:41 AM
 image201

And that is why I am so beautiful people!!!

 image201 trex-073


 Vamp
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: georg ruf jr. on August 04, 2008, 04:51:11 PM
@Kenny   image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on August 06, 2008, 01:37:31 AM
Watch it Georgjr!


 image21
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on August 19, 2008, 04:20:34 PM
Wayne, you will know where this one came from.  thnx
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: georg ruf jr. on August 19, 2008, 06:17:48 PM
 image11 sorriso2
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on August 31, 2008, 12:27:15 AM
Here are some funnies attached
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Florrie van Zyl (Muir) on August 31, 2008, 10:12:36 AM
Paula, this one's for you. giverose
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Florrie van Zyl (Muir) on August 31, 2008, 10:14:03 AM
Kenny, this one is for you. (A little riske for sensitive viewers)
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Michael Alexander on August 31, 2008, 04:28:25 PM
Hey! I've seen woman versions of that Cartoon!   sorriso2
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Diana Rudd (Boehme) on August 31, 2008, 06:39:49 PM
 202  Is that a mushroom, you mean mushrooms make you clever ......  woo_hoo
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on September 01, 2008, 12:18:40 AM
It seems a bit limp for a mushroom I think Diana     image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Diana Rudd (Boehme) on September 01, 2008, 09:55:15 PM
Those ones Mike sells, the past the sell by date.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on September 01, 2008, 11:09:48 PM
 ha ha image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on January 28, 2009, 01:47:31 PM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Matthew, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Matthew clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T error? What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'

Matthew grinned.  'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'   


So I wrote it down:   ID10T

I used to like the little shit.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on January 28, 2009, 01:49:43 PM
Souf Afrikan Lingo

 

 

 




 
"Excuse me?" or "pardon?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can say: "Hey?"

If you want to use it at the end of a sentence, you can say something like "Ag donner, this mieliepap is very hot, Hey"

Is it?: This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute If someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for Capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership." It is appropriate to respond by saying: "Is it?"

Jawelnofine: This is another conversation fallback word. Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" (q.v.) and "fine", it means roughly "how about that." If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can say with confidence: "Jawelnofine."

Jislaaik: Pronounced "Yiss-like", it is an expression of astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China , a suitable comment is: "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot of people Hey!."

Klap: Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning thump smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time at the movies at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad. In America , that is called child abuse. In South Africa , it is called promoting education. It's what you do to the guy who gave you the hot mieliepap.

Lekker: An Afrikaans word meaning 'nice', this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim: "Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable. You might, however, get a klap.

Tackies: These are sneakers or running/tennis shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are big tyres, as in: "Where did you get those lekker fat tackies on your Volksie (VW), hey?"

Dop: This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad.

First the good.

A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. If you are invited over for a dop, be careful. It could be one or two sedate drinks or a blast, depending on the company you have fallen in with. When you get invited to a braai, you will inevitably be asked to bring your own dop.

Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If you dopped Standard Two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this.

Sarmie: This is a sandwich. For generations, school-children have traded sarmies during lunch breaks. If you are sending kids off to school in the morning, don't give them liver-polony sarmies. They are the toughest to trade. Definitely not lekker.

Bakkie: This word is pronounced "bucky" and it is a small truck or pick-up. Young men can take their "cherrie" (g/friend) to the drive-in flick in a bakkie, but it is not always an appropriate form of transport because the seats usually don't recline and you may be forced to watch the film. This is never the purpose of going to a Drive-In flick.

Howzit: This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the land. It is often used with the word "No" as in this exchange: "No, howzit?" "No, fine."

"Mrs Balls" Chutney: We don't know if the lady ever existed, but if she did, ( NOTE: YES SHE DID FACT:...)

She has earned a place of honour in South African kitchen history. Chutney is, of course, of Indian origin and is pickled fruit prepared with vinegar, spices and sugar. South Africans are known to eat it with everything, including fried eggs. Some even put it on their mieliepap.

"Now Now": In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase:
"Now, now, don't cry-I'll take you to the bioscope tomorrow." But in South Africa , this phrase means a little sooner than soon: "Ill clean my room now now, Ma." It is a little more urgent than "just now" which means an indefinite time in the future.

"Tune me grief:" To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. Be selective about using the term. For example, if your bank manager calls you in for an urgent chat about your overdraft, you should avoid saying: "Hey, listen. You're tuning me grief, man." That would be unwise and could result in 'major tuning of grief'. There are variations. You can say about your boss: "This oke (guy) is tuning me uphill."

Boet: This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups. Pronounced "boot" as in "foot", it can be applied to a non-brother. For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used. But don't use either with someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronising and you'll probably get 'donnered', hey.

Pasop: >From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in: "Your mother hasn't had her morning coffee yet Boet, so pasop and stay out of her way." Sometimes just the word "pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.

Skop, Skiet en Donder: Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in Afrikaans,this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick.

Vrot : Pronounced - "frot": A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like. Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few times too often with unwashed feet can be termed 'Vrot' by unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer.

Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it.

Pasop:
We once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot." However, it is mostly used to describe the state of the drunk boets at the braai who finished all their dop.

Graze: In a country with a strong agricultural tradition, it is not surprising that farming words crop up (pun intended) in general conversation. Thus to graze means to eat. If you are invited to a Bioscope show, you may be asked: "Do you want to catch a graze now now?.

Catch a tan: This is what you do when you lie on the beach pretending to study for your matric exams. The Brits, who have their own very odd phrases, say they are getting "bronzed". Nature has always been unkind to South African schoolchildren, providing beach and swimming pool weather just when they should be swotting for the mid-summer finals. If you spend too much time catching a tan at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad.

Rock up: To rock up some place is to just sort of arrive. You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be selective about it. You can't just rock up for a job interview or at a five-star restaurant. You give them a tinkle first - then you can rock up. You can, however, rock up at a braai providing you've brought your own dop.

Scale: To scale something is to steal it. A person who is "scaly" is not nice, ie a scumbag, and should be left off the Christmas party invitation list. If he does rock up, don't give him any pap, donner him, boet, and scale all his dop, hey!.
 

 
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on January 28, 2009, 01:50:31 PM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.  The
music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.  After a
couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.  As
you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's
when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on January 28, 2009, 01:53:21 PM
Mmm  clever  little boy  trying at  dead man walking ...    cat3  how  you doing  Paula ??
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Michele Alexander (Voden) on January 28, 2009, 03:41:03 PM
 image201 I really enjoyed that! Mike and I have often wondered what foreigners make of us when we are talking as there are so many Afrikaans words thrown in!

 
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on January 28, 2009, 04:04:16 PM
Mmm  clever  little boy  trying at  dead man walking ...    cat3  how  you doing  Paula ??

Hi Sandy, I am doing very well and keeping busy, had snow a few weeks ago, loved it, woke the kids up to watch the snow falling. hehe
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: antonette cloete on February 05, 2009, 12:29:50 PM
Confucious said   Man who stands on toilet  is high on pot
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on February 12, 2009, 01:45:32 AM
 Send this along to all your male colleagues – so that they don’t end up like me…

 

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers:

Over the last two months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and WindoLene with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Builders Warehouse.
You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th.

Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, 12th, 15th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your male friends and colleagues to be careful.

P.S. Mr Price has wallets on sale R25.99 each




Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on February 12, 2009, 01:51:12 AM
*Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate.**
I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days"

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"

"eYebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he Die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"

"eNobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mista Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"eYes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Boss"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on Fire."

"What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a  Candle??!! "

 eYes Boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mista Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY  FUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling  nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's New Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."

 

SILENCE................... ,

LONG SILENCE...................................................
........... .,

FINALLY ............................................,

"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!" *
 
 
   
   
 

 
 

 

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on February 15, 2009, 04:23:35 PM
SIGN OF THE TIMES

Letter to Bank Manager

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds", does that refer to me or to you?

Yours Faithfully.

Bob



Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on February 15, 2009, 07:59:40 PM
Ok  I wont lose my wallet to the girls .. but yes  do  lose  money each time I  go to Builders Whorehouse ... end up spending more .. theres always a nice  gadget on special ... only good thing  is  they do come in handy at some time or other ,,    ape
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on February 21, 2009, 02:17:38 AM
oh, so is that what you call girls "gadget"



 image201 image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on February 21, 2009, 02:22:48 AM
A traveller's warning

 

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex..  I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '


eeeeeekkkkkk!!!!!!!!!


 yellocard

 

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Diana Rudd (Boehme) on February 21, 2009, 06:04:11 PM
 ha ha enjoyed that.
I must share this with the Wilsons.....
Women will never be entirely happy, because there will never be a man with a chocolate penis that ejaculates money.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Patricia Lotte on February 22, 2009, 06:00:00 AM
 image201 image201 image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 05, 2009, 06:33:41 PM
 ha ha image201 image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 05, 2009, 06:36:42 PM
I was at my bank today.
There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me-- an Asian lady who
was trying to exchange yen for Dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla foyen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian lady says............ 'Fluc you white people, too!'

 
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: georgswa (Georg Ruf) on March 05, 2009, 06:42:14 PM
 202
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 05, 2009, 06:42:37 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
  

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?      
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 05, 2009, 06:46:08 PM
This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrasse d,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Bertie Horak on March 05, 2009, 06:48:21 PM
 ha ha
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: georgswa (Georg Ruf) on March 05, 2009, 06:49:43 PM
Paula is full of mischief today
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 05, 2009, 06:54:10 PM
Just for the men!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?
Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.  It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men ...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 05, 2009, 08:18:08 PM
Paula is full of mischief today



You see Mike even Dadswa said "today" so I'm good the rest of the time then?

 ha ha   
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 10, 2009, 05:37:07 PM
Law in South Africa

Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa

1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.

The moral of this South African story:

If you do not  have a TV license and the inspector comes around, kill him!
You'll save R500.

It's the Right Thing To Do...

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Michael Alexander on March 11, 2009, 07:37:00 PM
Out of Curiosity, all you people around the world, how much is your TV Licence?

In Nam, for Namibian TV, which we do not even receive... it is .... N$ 204.00 a year...


 msn emoticon (9)   :wow1:
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Mike Stenson on March 11, 2009, 07:51:22 PM
Out of Curiosity, all you people around the world, how much is your TV Licence?

In Nam, for Namibian TV, which we do not even receive... it is .... N$ 204.00 a year...


 msn emoticon (9)   :wow1:
Per TV.....if you own two its double.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: georgswa (Georg Ruf) on March 11, 2009, 07:51:49 PM
What you pay is not much if you had reception

We pay for

TV & Radio
Car Radio if used while working
Radio used in the office
TV Licence
TV Cable connection
Any person living with you at age 18 must pay separate

Basic Radio and TV plus Cable is about 35 € / quarter

We have state run TV
1.
2.
And many 3. regional programs
Private Stations are free thy are financed with advertizing

I receive about 32 Stations. We go digital soon and will get more

Via Sat dish i count over 100 TV and many radio stations
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Rhona on March 11, 2009, 08:03:48 PM
For us it is E160 per year.....
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Bertie Horak on March 11, 2009, 08:14:27 PM
I pay R225 for TV licence per year, and the DStV bouquet is R469 per month.  Fortunately radio is free.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 12, 2009, 12:45:07 AM
Hey Mike, get out of my crib and stop changing the topic, TV licences are no joke!!!!!



 BoomSmilie_anim image21   policedog-small


(now back to my music)     catmusic catmusic catmusic



Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 12, 2009, 12:47:26 AM
ARE YOU A BITCH?

 

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...
Double Income, No Kids.'

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B ., you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker.'

They turn to the woman and ask her,

'What are you?''
She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F .E , you know...
Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, 'B.I.T.C.H .'

What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison.

'Babe In Total Control of Herself.'


So ladies, next time somebody calls you a 'Bitch' SMILE, and say 'Thank You!!'


 image201 :buffo9:
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: georg ruf jr. on March 12, 2009, 09:21:24 AM
Geez Paula!!! I'm so sorry about you. W.I.F.E. ???? That's not very charming for a woman your age....
 image201 image201
            catmusic  catmusic catmusic
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 12, 2009, 03:47:08 PM
No, I'm more the B.I.T.C.H one!!!!


 :culo1: image201 image201 :buffo9:
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Julie Vice (Willson) on March 12, 2009, 04:20:04 PM
 trex-073   People call me a BITCH likes it's a bad thing  202
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 13, 2009, 03:34:25 PM
NO Speak English


 

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...





(Please scroll down.)



































































What were you
Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!





I worry about you
Sometimes!



 :buffo9:
 


 

 
 

 
 
 

 

 
 

 
 
 
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Gregg on March 16, 2009, 09:04:23 PM
@Paula

Why you so quiet lately?? Last entry on 13th and today is the 16th!

Girl, you're slipping!!! Will have to rename this topic "Once was Paula's Crib!" if you're not careful!



 image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 17, 2009, 02:05:15 PM
 image21

Watch it Gregg    image061 thumper, you may not see me but I'm always around and watching what's going on out here!!!



  image16 :buffo9:



Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Gregg on March 17, 2009, 02:57:31 PM
Watch it Gregg, you may not see me but I'm always around and watching what's going on out here!!!

Oh???

Oh!!!!!

And here was me thinking you were only All Ears (the pink kind)!

 laughpoint

Anyhoo, I'm quite safe...  You're in the UK, I'm faaaar away from there! Haha!

None-the-less you could take it out on my son I suppose (he's in Scotland)!

 ha ha
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 17, 2009, 04:45:21 PM
Now why would I want to go to Scotland, didn't they just loose the rugby    image201 image201 image201  think your son's been bashed enough just from that!   laughpoint laughpoint laughpoint


I can still bash you out here, take a closer look....... closer............closer...... thumper thumper thumper thumper image061 image061 image061 image061



 :culo1:




Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 17, 2009, 04:52:17 PM
An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:

 

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

 

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN) , on his right , the man replied , "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

 

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN). "Hmm .... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ...that's a very popular cliché for speed."

 

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply." Well , out at my dad's FARM , you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.

 

Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN) , the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer , stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But , before I could THINK , BLINK , or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already kakked in my pants!"

 

HE GOT THE JOB................

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 20, 2009, 12:47:09 AM
These classifieds were really put in the paper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little bastard.  Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog .. . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake..  Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR  SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.  Excellent condition.  £200 or best offer.  No longer needed, Got married last month.  Wife knows everything.

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Julie Vice (Willson) on March 20, 2009, 01:10:07 PM
A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
 pasture in the Karroo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
 dust cloud towards him.
 
 The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
 sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
 you give me a calf?'

 Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
 grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'
 
 The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
 it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
 Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
 location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
 area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
 
 The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
 exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
 
 Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
 image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a
 MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email
 on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
 
 Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
 miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and
 says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
 
 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van.
 
 He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
 as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
 
 Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
 your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
 
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
 not?'
 
 'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC'
 says Van.
 
 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
 
 'No guessing required.' said Van. 'You showed up here uninvited, you
 want to get paid for the answer I already know to a question I never
 asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are yet you
 don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . ..Now give
 me back my dog.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on March 25, 2009, 01:01:03 AM
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on March 27, 2009, 09:34:32 AM
This  one's for Mike ... thank  goodness  Spar  has  no  numbers in it !!


  4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.


     Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:" Congratulations, you've got twins!"."Oh!.....maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy, "as I'm working at the  Petronas  Twin Towers ".



     Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:" Congratulations, you've got triplets!""Wooow!, this is a coincidence too" said the second daddy.   "I am working for 3M Corporation".



     A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:" Congratulations! Your wife got quadruplets" "Thanks God.  Perhaps this is also a coincidence". "I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".



     Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried. All the 3 daddies asked him:" Why do you look so worried?". He answered, "I work at Seven-Eleven
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Billy Struthers on April 25, 2009, 12:51:51 PM
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the Australian National Anthem began to play, sung by Thabo Mbeki and Jacob Zuma, backed up by Robert Mugabe and The Zanu PF, with Alec Erwin on guitar, Robert McBride on drums, Jackie Selebi on harmonica, Judge John Hlope on tambourine, George Bush on sax and Dr Manto-Tshabalala Msimang on scotch...
You forgot  Mr slippery Shlope ...  singing about the benefits of having an " Oasis "

Hey leave the Aussie Anthem out of it Bru !  image14 image14 image14 shutface thumper
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on April 25, 2009, 09:21:33 PM
Hey ! we all  laugh at ourselves .. wer'e  in a  circus  here  with a clown  in charge ...  cat3
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on May 02, 2009, 01:22:21 AM
Hey Sandy,  are-you-there , Who's the clown??


 ape

 catmusic catmusic

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on May 02, 2009, 03:18:45 AM
Jacob Zuma  of course ..   catmusic
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on May 03, 2009, 12:25:09 AM
No man Sandy, he can't be a clown, a clown makes one laugh, he just makes one want to shoot him in the head!



 :ciupa1:
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: cloete on May 22, 2009, 11:16:22 PM
LMAO.HA HA.
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on October 01, 2009, 02:10:56 PM
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time

considering how their online names might appear and be misread....

especially all in lower case.

 

 

Check them out yourself .....

 

 

'Who  Represents'

is where you can find the name of the agent  that represents

 any celebrity.  Their website is
www.whorepresents.com 

 

 

 

'Experts  Exchange'

is a knowledge base where programmers can  exchange

advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com 

 

 

Looking for a pen?

Look no further than

'Pen  Island' at

www.penisland.net

 

 

Need a therapist?

Try 'Therapist Finder' at 

www.therapistfinder.com

 

 

There's the

'Italian Power Generator'

company at

www.powergenitalia.com

 

 

And don't forget the

'Mole Station Native Nursery'

in    New South  Wales
www.molestationnursery.com

 

 

If you're looking for

'IP computer software'

there's  always
www.ipanywhere.com

 

 

The 'First  Cumming  Methodist  Church'

website is   

www.cummingfirst.com

 

 

And the designers at

'Speed of Art'

await you at their wacky website

www.speedofart.com

 
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on October 01, 2009, 02:14:43 PM
Cape Town - from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Cape   Town is a city on the coast of South Africa so called because the wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits.

It was  founded by Batman on  his way to Melbourne from Holland in  1652.

Cape  Town is   also called "The Mother City", believed to be  due to the highly expressive vocabulary of the  local dialect (in which the words "your  mother"  feature regularly) and the cheap and nasty (but  potent)  local wine.

A different school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in  the fact that it takes 9 months to do anything  in  this sleepy  hollow.
 
Cape   Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike most mountains, it is   flat).

Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart   transplant operation at its "Great Skewer" Hospital by Christian Barnyard. 


Cape Town is neither as wealthy nor as large as Johannesburg, so the inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first.
Which none of them personally were, unless they are over 400 years old?


It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions.

If the opportunity should somehow   present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is "Jou ma se *%#@", often abbreviated to "Jou ma", which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and your good mother, sir!"

Robin Island was named after Batman's faithful sidekick.

Later it was renamed "Robbin' Island" and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it.

In spite of the revolution in 1994 severe social inequality still persists. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the "mugg'em" initiative.

Popular sports are pretentiousness, drunk-driving, pole-vaulting, French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport of setting fire to the mountainside is more popular with tourists than with locals, though all enjoy the cheerful spectacle of the flames and smoke.

Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an "Amish-isation " policy,  and has turned it's back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois luxury.  Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and  sing-alongs for entertainment.

Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge.  However, the bridge is currently not in use  as  the city council refused to believe the claims  of  the  construction company when they informed  the council that they had  developed a new  building material which was stronger than  steel  but could not be seen by the human eye. The city council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to "The Emperor's New Clothes".

 

Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were invented.

This is delightfully done by means of a monument which includes important tools for roadmaking such as lions, a man with a horse and some dude's head.
 
Bergies  are Cape Town's  world famous mountaineers who  live on Table Mountain and often come  down into  the city to welcome foreigners with the traditional Capetonian greeting of "Jou maaaa se  *%$@!"

 

 
 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: SandyB on October 01, 2009, 09:41:19 PM
Oi !!  Bunny ears ...  dont  slag my city ... and yes I despite being a vampire who has seen many centuries .. have not been   resident  for 400 years  but  settled down  recently in this  laid back city ...  the  bergies make for easy targets   for a quick sip of blood .. advantage is  its already well laced with  alcohol  so i get  free booze as well ...    8_1_220(55)  ...  strangely enough Paula .. the quick paced life of  Joburg with  quick and big money is  merely transitory ..  fact that has played out so many times .. when times are lean ..   our cousins in the north seem to   be harder hit than us ... John had it  many times over  ..  lean times and Cape town  sleepy hollow  still  chugged along   producing income ... same now with my  company .. up country way below budget .. but  Cape  Town   above budget ,.. so yes we slower  more relaxed ,, less frenetic... more of the nine month mnd   but we passionate about what we do    and it shows ...  so we are there ...     heres to CT with its invisible bridges that  every  big fast  frenetic  investor/builder was supposed to  include in their "upgrade"  that  being another  huge phallic  tower building ,  the completion of the invisible bridges ...  but somehow or other retreated  north  or somewhere else  and conveniently forgot to  complete the project ...  even the stadium will not not get that happening ..    catmusic
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on October 02, 2009, 03:16:20 PM
Hmmmm, what can I say...........relax those buns Sandy!!!


 image201 image201
Title: Re: Just To Make You Laugh
Post by: Paula Gottsch (Willson) on October 02, 2009, 03:29:23 PM
Six Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.




2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.



3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.



4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.



5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.



6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologise about this. I did that as well, I'm an idiot too and I needed company.

 

Remember I still

 LOVE YOU ALL

So here’s to you having a good day.