Author Topic: BBQ Procedures  (Read 2619 times)

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Offline Warren Weidemann

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BBQ Procedures
« on: August 03, 2007, 03:47:56 PM »
BBQ rules

After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.


More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.


More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sa! uces,and brings them to the table..
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.


(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?

Offline Donald Duck

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2007, 08:53:26 PM »
I agree with all you say Warren, BUT as a "youngster" you have yet to understand the correct arrangements and planning that goes into organising the "perfect" Oranjemund braai.

Let's have a wee look at a typical "Kenny Braai".

Now, first of all, you'll need ingredients :

* 12 cases of beer
* 9 bottles of Whisky
* 4 x 2 litre Coke (for mix)
* 4 x 2 litre Coke Lites (for the chicks and Fat Freddy)
* 1 bottle of Sherry (for the chicks and your wife's gay cousin - there's always a gay cousin!)
* 3 x 5 litre Cheapest Wine (for the chicks and just in case the beer and whisky runs out)
* 1 Sheep (unless you've invited an Aussie 'cos it could be his fiancée)
* 5 meters of thick German Sausage
* 5 kg Pork Chops
* 5 kg T-bone Steak
* Any available road kill for the wife's American friends.
* 6 Garlic onions - the whole things, not just 6 cloves.
* At least 5 chicks (to stand in the kitchen and make salad and
prepare the buns and all that sh*t)
* 1 x half 40 gallon drum for the braai
* 10 bags of Charcoal
* 4 boxes of Firelighters
* January 2006 - August 2007's Sunday Times Newspapers
* 1 hose pipe
* 1 bucket

Saturday:
05:00: Throw 4 bags of charcoal, January 2006 through to August Sunday Times 2007 and a
half a box of firelighters in the drum, and light the lot for a good solid barbeque foundation.
05:35: Open 1 bottle of whisky and one 2 litre Coke.
06:15: Mutter to yourself that you're sure they're making the whisky bottles smaller these days, and crack open a beer.
06:20: Go check that no one stole the meat from under your carport during the night.
06:30: Beer
06:35: Beer
06:45: Email your mates to tell them "Today's going to be a fu$%en party!!"
06:55: Explain to your mom that you accidentally emailed her and that you would never swear at her.
07:00: Beer
07:20: Microwave some of yesterdays left overs from the Working Lunch for breakfast.
08:00: Wake up your wife so that she can go jogging on your behalf.
08:30: Walk around the house (and yard) naked while you're wife is out jogging,
making sure that everything is going good.  - Check on the fire.
08:45: Throw in another bag of charcoal and the rest of the first box of firelighters.
09:15: Explain to your wife that the reason you're walking around naked is to get rid of your snoring problem - You read this in a men's Health Magazine
10:00: Give her money to go buy buns and stuff for the braai.
10:15: Stop arguing and give her more money to get her hair done.
10:20: Give her your credit card.
10:30: Sit down to watch some TV and have a few beers.
11:30: Wonder where the first case of beer went, take one from the second case.
12:30: Look at your 9 cases of beer and decide that it should still be enough for the guys.
12:55: Tell your wife that you only had 1 or 2 beers and that she shouldn't moan so much.
13:00: Fat Freddy and his wife arrive - open 2nd bottle of whisky and the Coke Lite, and
open the Sherry for his wife.
13:45: Feel a slight buzz.
14:30: Look at the 3rd bottle of whisky and squint.
14:45: Feel buzzed more.
15:00: By this time should be everyone there.
15:15: Charcoal another bag of throw on the braai and open a beer.
15:30: Talk sh*t and beer
15:45: Ask the chicks if the ready is buns and the buttered.
16:00: More talk sh*t.
16:30: Arm wrestling competitions with gay the cousin.
16:50: Say to everyone that you win him let.
16:55: Suck petrol out of Fat Car's Freddy to just in case..
17:15: Give the Sheep to your friend Aussie and luck them wish future for the.
17:30: Meat the rest of the braai on the put and beer another have.
18:00: The more needs to fire burn, get the petrol.
18:45: Oranjemund Hospital - Burn grade 1st wounds.
19:30: House at back - Freddy thank for beer open another braai and the
6th bottle of whisky.
20:30: Open Whisky bottle of 7th and hand Whisky out shooters of.
21:00: Tell love that you everyone them, especially Fat Freddy's Wife.
21:30: Finish the last beer of Whisky and case of bottle.
22:15: Oranjemund Hospital - Stomach Pump


Sunday:
03:45: Eat.

P.S Name have been changed to protect the innocent.

P.P.S. No animals were hurt during the making of this braai. The last I heard was that the sheep and the Aussie involved were divorced but being nice to each other 'cos of the kids.

P.P.P S. The statement "the kids" worried me a bit 'cos don't goats have kids?
« Last Edit: August 03, 2007, 09:01:35 PM by Kenny Ramage »

Offline Donald Duck

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2007, 07:57:09 AM »
How true

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for rugby
matches, going to the beach and Braai's. He created night for going
prawning, sleeping and Braai's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and Braai's
on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to
provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for Braais, and God saw that it
was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops,
sausages, steak and prawns for Braai's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the rugby, enjoy the
beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at Braai's, and God saw
that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to
go to the rugby, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the braai with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God
saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling braai, fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the
Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and
God Saw that it was good ... well ... almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So
God created women - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To
cook and to clean the Braai, and then God saw that it was not just
good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS SOUTH AFRICA !!!!!


Offline Warren Weidemann

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2007, 09:07:58 AM »
Ha Kenny - Brilliant! I think that I might have to organise a braai this weekend... Just to test out the theory.
Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?

Offline Michael Alexander

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2007, 09:40:55 PM »
Count me in Warren,.... oops! only after the rugger, and keep it low key, you know what pete's like when he sniffs a braaifire.....   ;)
OPS 1976-1982 : CBC 1982-1988

Offline Donald Duck

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2007, 11:24:22 PM »
This is the way to do it.......



« Last Edit: August 18, 2007, 11:28:56 PM by Kenny Ramage »

Offline Donald Duck

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2007, 03:10:42 PM »

Offline Barbara Eia (Brownless)

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2007, 11:30:34 AM »
Hi Kenny

That was a brill video, B is for braai. Made my mouth water and i now long for home.
A braai isn't the same in another country. Will have to make a plan to come over so i can have one of those Leekker braai's.

Barbara
Oranjemund 1973 - 1985

Offline Donald Duck

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2007, 07:58:30 PM »
Every Friday evening after work Van der Merwe would braai a big, fat juicy steak. But his neighbours, being Catholic and therefore reluctant to eat meat on Fridays, suffered agonies of temptation as the delicious aroma carried on the evening breeze.

They persuaded their priest to try to convert Van. Success! Van attended Mass and the priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Protestant, raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Everybody was delighted. But when Friday night came the wonderful aroma of grilled steak again wafted over the neighbourhood.

The priest rushed into Van's garden just in time to see him clutching a small bottle of holy water and sprinkling it over the grilling meat and chanting, "You was born a cow, you was raised as a cow, but now you's a kabeljou!"

Offline Donald Duck

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Re: BBQ Procedures
« Reply #9 on: December 14, 2007, 04:43:46 PM »
Now THIS is what a braai should be used for: