Author Topic: Garrys reimported Jokes.  (Read 21038 times)

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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #120 on: April 21, 2010, 05:48:14 PM »
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of   

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had   

even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.   

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'   

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'   

He's still in intensive care.
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #121 on: April 21, 2010, 05:49:10 PM »
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.   

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'   

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #122 on: April 21, 2010, 05:49:48 PM »
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'   

The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #123 on: April 21, 2010, 05:50:27 PM »
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took   

the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'   

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.   

'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #124 on: April 21, 2010, 05:51:03 PM »
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has   

been living with for the last 40 years.   

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that   

were used to put the curse on you.' 

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Offline toonfandangl

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #125 on: April 22, 2010, 04:07:18 AM »



George!!.....................the day is a lot brighter after reading these   image201 image201.............. image04





Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #126 on: July 14, 2010, 06:58:01 PM »
APPARENTLY
 AN IRISH WOMAN SOCCER SUPPORTER WAS SCARED TO COME TO SOUTH AFRICA
BECAUSE SHE HEARD SHE MIGHT HAVE TO BLOW A ZULUFELLA
 
 
 



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Offline Patricia Lotte

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #127 on: July 15, 2010, 06:48:16 AM »
 image201 image201 image201
OPS ('74-'79)
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #128 on: October 19, 2010, 12:29:11 PM »
You think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was

time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in

eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in

pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or

French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while

sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English

 for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that

quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a

guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a

vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be

committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what

language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that

run and feet that smell?


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while

a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to

marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your

house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in

a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by

going on.


English was invented by people, not computers, and it

reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is

not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they

are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings

than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP

a report ?


We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. 

A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

 

 

What a f @%ked UP language
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #129 on: October 22, 2010, 12:46:51 PM »
Chilean miner making love to his wife for the first time since getting

out of the hole:

"can we switch the lights off?"

"of course honey"

"can I have you from behind?"

"anything you want my brave husband"

"can I call you Pedro...?"

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Offline Patricia Lotte

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #130 on: October 27, 2010, 11:51:04 AM »
A coloured and black guy were watching animal planet and it was a show about the great white shark.
The black guy says "This is unfair why do great things have to be white? Why cant we have a great black shark?
The coloured says, "No man, why canít there be a great coloured shark?"
The black guy turns amazed and says "Tjo, A shark with no teeth, now thats wrong!"
OPS ('74-'79)
RGHS ('80-'84)

Offline Patricia Lotte

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #131 on: October 27, 2010, 11:51:43 AM »
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only
a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?' One of the men replied
sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ah Sooo You doing velly
well, only two left'.
OPS ('74-'79)
RGHS ('80-'84)

Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #132 on: October 30, 2010, 08:13:34 PM »
 arse  image04
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #133 on: November 04, 2010, 08:17:06 PM »
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and
says,  'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere'

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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #134 on: February 19, 2011, 12:46:59 PM »
Subject: Fwd: Which country has the best pubs?



> "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
> back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
> landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
> he'll buy the fifth drink."
>
> "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red
> Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
> two."
>
> "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite
> pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
> then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
> enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid,
> all on the house!"
>
> The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
> Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to
> you?" he was asked.
>
> "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
> happen to me sister quite a few times ...."

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