Author Topic: Garrys reimported Jokes.  (Read 20983 times)

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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #90 on: February 12, 2010, 03:48:35 PM »
A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK ......


You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.

In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter ....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information... but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The programme was never aired .   .   .   . 
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #91 on: February 12, 2010, 03:54:40 PM »
The Pasta Diet
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Nou praat ek maar Afrikaans!

(Now I only speak Afrikaans)

 

Best you learn Abo, Mick!!!

Georg, Deutsch uber alles!!!

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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #92 on: February 17, 2010, 07:03:23 PM »
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a  young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
   
He   says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
 
Have you ever used  the product?"
 
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
 
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
 
"We use it for sex."
 
The researcher was a little taken back.
 
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's  bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But,  in fact, I know that  most people do use it for sex.  I admire you for your honesty. Since  you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for  sex?"
 
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put  it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
 
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #93 on: February 17, 2010, 07:10:02 PM »
HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK...   

The Plan!
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says,
'I love New York ' in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams...
Even if he's nuts!
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message..

Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace, but I have not heard of a plan for peace.
So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys'. We will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there.
We would station troops at our borders.
No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days, the remainder will be gathered up and deported  immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!!
(France will welcome them.)

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days, unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.
The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else and they can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites should be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer.
The Language we speak is ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE...
Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.'
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You wanna piece of me?!'
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #94 on: February 17, 2010, 07:13:36 PM »
 CLASSIC..HAHAHAHA

The Pope and Jacob Zuma died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Jacob Zuma went to
heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Jacob Zuma coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Jacob Zuma,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Zuma: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Zuma: "You're a day late"
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Offline SandyB

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #95 on: February 19, 2010, 02:40:36 PM »
SEEM TO THINK THIS  IS  A  PLAY ON  AN  OLD ONE . BUT  IT  TICKLED ME ANYHOW..

If you did not understand the minister’s budget speech here it goes…………………
Economic recovery

It is a slow day in the small Eastern Cape Province town of King William’s Town   , and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A rich tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the hotel, and lays a R200 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the R200 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the R200 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the R200 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the R200 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the R200 note and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the South African government is conducting business today.
To see  sometimes  requires that you  first believe .

Offline SandyB

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #96 on: February 19, 2010, 02:43:44 PM »
ITS  FRIDAY , MY  MOOD  GOOD  ABOUT TO  duck OUT EARLY .. HERES ANOTHER ONE..

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"


FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

 cat3
To see  sometimes  requires that you  first believe .

Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #97 on: February 19, 2010, 03:49:48 PM »
 16_1_231
Nothing special. Just some clips I put in youtube.de
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Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #98 on: February 20, 2010, 02:30:15 PM »
History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:


10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
 
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
 
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
 
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK,   1963

AND ...  drum roll please ...


The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
 
 
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Offline toonfandangl

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #99 on: February 21, 2010, 04:54:06 PM »




 bravo image281 image281 image281 image281 image04


Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #100 on: February 23, 2010, 06:40:59 AM »
1. The serial killer and his victim are walking through a dark scary bush. “I'm scared” says the victim. “You think you scared” says the killer, “I have to walk back alone.”

2. Two blondes chatting : Blonde 1: “I went for a pregnancy test.” Blonde 2: “Were the questions difficult?”

3. Johnny swears a lot. The priest asks him if he's not scared of meeting Satan. Johnny says “You the one that must be scared, you talk sh*t about him every Sunday.”

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Offline toonfandangl

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #101 on: February 23, 2010, 03:48:41 PM »



                    image281 image281 image281 thnx image04
Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #102 on: February 23, 2010, 06:22:36 PM »
A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK ......


You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.

In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter ....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information... but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The programme was never aired .   .   .   . 
Nothing special. Just some clips I put in youtube.de
http://de.youtube.com/results?search_query=bigbug74&search_type=&aq=f
Please comment! It may help promote our volleyball-club.
Skype: bigbug74

Offline georg ruf jr.

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #103 on: February 23, 2010, 07:10:22 PM »
A small zoo in Brakpan acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
examination the vet discovered the problem. The gorilla was in season.
To
make matters worse there was no male gorilla available.

Pondering over their problem the zoo-keeper thought of Frik van Wyk, a
local
lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Frik,
like many of the Brakpan men-folk, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo-keeper thought they
might have a solution.

Frik was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with
the
gorilla for R5000? Frik showed some interest but said he would have to
think
the matter over carefully.

The following day he announced that he would accept their offer, but
only
under 4 conditions:

  "First", Frik said "I'm not going to kiss her on the lips!" The keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.
  "Second", he said, "You can never tell anybody about this." The keeper
again readily agreed to this condition.
  "Third" said Frik "I want all the babies raised as Blue Bulls
supporters."
Once again it was agreed.
  "Fourth and last of all, " Frik said, "You'll need to give me another
week
to come up with the R5000."
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Offline toonfandangl

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Re: Garrys reimported Jokes.
« Reply #104 on: February 25, 2010, 04:26:47 AM »


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
 
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
 
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
 
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
 
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'
 
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
 
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.  meanpuff
 
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car  164        anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...
 
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
 
Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
............................................. image04





Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.