Author Topic: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE  (Read 26561 times)

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Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2009, 03:28:29 AM »



 Hi3

Thanks Sandy, Chris, Bertie nice to get a bit of feed back..........Frank.   image04







Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #16 on: June 27, 2009, 11:24:50 AM »


CIRCUMCISED




A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. :tifo1:


She went back to find out what was going on.



He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
CIRCUMCISED and he was quite itchy.



The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.



He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He
did and returned to his class.


Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.


She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
'PRIVATE PART' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.





'I did,'  he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.       :culo1:







Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline Chris Macpherson

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2009, 04:57:02 PM »
Good one Frank!!!!!!!!!                    The Rabbi who does the circumcisions is very poorly paid but gets a hell of a lot of tips..........

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #18 on: July 02, 2009, 03:07:20 PM »




Short but sweet….               fantasy-18




Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .


One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."


The other Nun whispers,



"It's the cobblestones."                   image04









Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #19 on: July 05, 2009, 06:18:13 AM »
     



    A female CNN journalist
heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
        Going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


        So she went to check it out.  She went to the Wailing Wall and there he
        Was walking slowly up to the holy site.



        She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
        Leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview..




        'Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?
        'Maury Fishbein' he replied.
        'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?'
        'For about 60 years.'
        '60 years!   That's amazing!   What do you pray for?




        'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.   pls



 I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop, 
 I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,
   And to love their fellow man.'


 

'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'








'Like I'm talking to a  f**king  brick wall.'


This is a Joke and I sometimes think reality might as well be................... image04











Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #20 on: July 08, 2009, 02:37:38 PM »
 
               


                Three Men on  a Hike


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
 Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '




Poof! ..

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.




After witnessing that, the second man prayed:  ' God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river ' 



Poof! ..

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.




Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river '

Poof!

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream

and

walked across the bridge.       ............................ image04



Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline Bertie Horak

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #21 on: July 08, 2009, 06:32:19 PM »
 laughpoint
Oranjemund 1965-1982.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #22 on: July 15, 2009, 10:05:49 AM »



Manure....

An interesting fact

 
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by
ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shnts of manure were common.


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet,  but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process  of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.


As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did)
happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
came  below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

 
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening  After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term 'Ship


High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough
off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day
.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.  Neither did I.


I had always thought it was a golf term.

AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT.................................... image04



Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline SandyB

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #23 on: July 15, 2009, 11:10:01 PM »
Aah Frank .. jokes with a bit of history attached ,, now  how about the gauge of trainlines ..  horses and the eventual size of the space shuttle  ir something like that ..clean and forgot  but its rattling around here in brain cells ..  got one  sometime .. can ask my boss again but he in england  for next two weeks .. so come on tell  ...
To see  sometimes  requires that you  first believe .

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #24 on: July 16, 2009, 02:02:28 PM »


Sorry Sandy have not come across that one but I like this one............................. image04
 
 A long haired Hippie walked into the local Dole office to pick up his dole
cheque.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I
just HATE drawing the dole.  I'd really rather have a job.'

The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'  'We
have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have to drive
around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.


Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive.  A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
Located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year.'


The  wide-eyed, Hippie said,  'You're bullshitin' me!'

The Dole office worker replied, 'Yeah, well......You started it.'





Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline Bob Molloy

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #25 on: July 17, 2009, 02:27:00 AM »
Hi Sandy,
Re your query: this is what I remember of that story.
One of the oddest things about our modern railway systems is the rail width, a gauge of 4 feet 8 inches. How we arrived at that width is interesting. It goes back to the carriage width of the old fashioned stage coach which in turn was based on Roman chariots.
And Roman chariots were that width because they were drawn by two horses. A measurement of two horses’ arses side by side comes out at – guess what – approximately four feet, eight inches.
But wait, there’s more. The Challenger space rocket used by NASA was originally designed to be carried by rail to the site. And yes, you’ve guessed it, the result is that today - in the twenty-first century - astronauts have only the width of two horses’ arses to move around in.
So the next time somebody calls you a horse’s arse don’t get too upset, it means you’re a historical artifact!
Which all goes to show that we are what we know.
To back that up with another example, take the case of the Royal Artillery field manual. Given the task of updating it after World War Two, a senior artillery officer was intrigued to find that the manual required the fourth man in the standard artillery team stand to attention at the rear throughout the firing and take no part in the action. 
In researching the need for the extra man in the gun team he could get no satisfactory answers other than the fourth man might come in useful if someone was injured, or when offloading ammunition from the supply wagon. None of it made a lot of sense, until he starting looking into old drill manuals.
Sure enough, there in the 1930s manual was the fourth man, standing to attention at the rear. A search of the 1920 manual showed the same thing. The new and updated 1914 manual at the start of World War One also had the fourth man. Curiouser and curiouser. It wasn’t until he went back to the Crimean War in the late 1800s that the penny dropped. There was the fourth man, standing at the rear, holding the horses.
Regards,
Bob
Bob Molloy

Offline Bob Molloy

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #26 on: July 17, 2009, 05:36:25 AM »
Apologies for the previous overbrief review of rail gauge. When all else fails, read the instructions. I went back to the source, and here t'is:

Standard gauge, in railway terminology, means a distance between the rails of 4 feet, 8 ½ inches or 1.435 metres. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? 
Because that's the way they built them in England, & English expatriates built railways all around the world. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first railway lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railway tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge in England, then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did their wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Because, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads. Because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The Roman roads have been used ever since. And the ruts?
The original ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by the wheels of Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The standard railway gauge of 4 feet, 8 1/2 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
Specifications and Bureaucracies Live Forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to  accommodate the back-ends of two war-horses.
And the Space Shuttle?
Plus, there's an interesting extension of the story about railway gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railway from the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railway track, and the railway track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was originally determined by the width of a horse's ass.
 
Bob Molloy

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #27 on: July 19, 2009, 10:33:17 AM »

 xmastree policedog-small image04.

The engineers that planed the rail system here were from different parts of the UK, and all had different systems installed
so when you arrived at the border towns you had to change trains.

In fact if you traveled from NSW west to Perth they changed the bogie's!! it has changed................................Frank ..................................... image04




Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #28 on: July 20, 2009, 02:55:04 AM »




An  old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for

the docks once more, for old times sake.



He  engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,


But needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I  doing??'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor,

you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks.

'What's that supposed to mean??'

She says,



'You're knot hard,

you're knot in,

and you're knot,

getting your money back.
            image04



Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.

Offline toonfandangl

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Re: AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE
« Reply #29 on: July 27, 2009, 07:01:50 AM »


A  GOOD  POSTMAN


One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
 
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
 
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
 
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
 
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.
 
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
 
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded.



YOUR NAME CAME UP 7 TIMES....................... image04






Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four. If this is granted then all else follows".......George Orwell 1984........UTRINQUE PARATUS.