Koos and Japie from BRAKPAN were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final
They spotted this sign on a shop window:
Suits R20--00 each
Shirts R10--00 each
Trousers R8--00 per pair
Koos says to his pal. "Hey Japie, check at that! Bliksem, we
could buy a
whole load of those clothes... then when we get back we could
resell them
and make us a moerse fortune!"
"Now listen boet, when we go into the shop you keep your big
mouth shut,hey!
Just you let me do all the talking and wheeling and dealing
stuff, because
if they hear your BRAKPAN accent, they might try to rip us off.
I'll be
giving them my best PRETORIA accent so they think we're locals."
They go in and Koos says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your
finest suits
at R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your
trousers at
just R8 each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those items
with me today, if you don't mind."
The owner of the shop interrupts,
"You from BRAKPAN, right?"
"Err....ja" says Koos, "how do you know?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaner, you doos!"
:emot98:
Good idea with your topic Carl. daman
Thanks jnr. It was actually your suggestion. Is the Alzheimers acting up again? ... lol :culo1: laughpoint
Just trying to comply with Kenny's rules. Some of my best jokes are unfortunately "copy&paste", so if it upsets some people on the forum, they now have the choice of not clicking on my joke collection. Problem solved.
I haven't read the rules, must admit. But I don't see no problem with the "paste and post" option. None of us are good enough to make up all these jokes. So keep it coming Carl...
Jannie loop in die badkamer in net toe sy ma uit
die stort uitklim en Jannie sien nou 'n kaal vrou vir die eerste keer.
Hy skrik hom amper dood toe hy haar aan kyk want
hy het gedink almal het 'n pypie soos hy.
Hy skree vir sy ma: "Ma, wie het vir Ma so lelik gesny?"
Sy kyk hom so aan en se: "Nee my kind die Liewe
Jesus het my so gemaak"
Jannie kyk so mooi van voor en agter en se:
"Mammie hy het amper jou hol raak gesny!"
Sy ma se: "Nee Jannie dit is natuurlik soos dit!
Jy het eintlik daar uit gekom.
Jannie se asem is amper weg geslat toe hy dit
hoor. Hy se:"Ma dit kan nie wees nie!" "Ja Jannie dit is waar"
antwoord sy Ma. Hy kyk so van voor en agter en dan so van onder
af. Sy ma laat hom kyk want sy wil nou he hy moet leer van die
"birds and the bees"
"Ma is jy nou rerig ernstig?" se hy.
"Ja my kind. Jy het daar uit gekom, glo my!"
Hy kyk weer, dink weer en krap sy kop weer en
se: "Ma as ek daar uit gekom het is ek mos 'n blerrie gelukkige kind".
"Hoe bedoel jy nou?" se sy ma.
"NEE, NET n' DUIM VERDER DAN WAS EK n' DROL!"
How the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car...
You know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and sometimes life-stuff seems
to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it when the other driver got out of his car...
he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
...and that's when the fight started.
hahahahaha... I missed alll these jokes,,, make sgood reading, puts a smile on me face...
Hey Carl - can I rent a space please..............
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..............................
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
e154 bravo
a new barbie doll on the market:
comes with no house, car, clothes ,food, money............... zimbarbie
:emot19:
And then there's Divorced Barbie. She comes with Ken's car,house, etc,etc
Piet is in Engeland op besigheid en omdat hy alleen is, gaan hy na die naaste pub toe. Hy sien 'n girl daar eenkant staan. Hy stap nader en vra wat haar naam is. "My name is Carmen," sê sy.
"Dat is a much beautiful name. Is it a family name?" vra hy.
"No" sê sy, "it's the name I gave myself and it's a mixture of the things I like in life - Cars and Men. Hence Carmen. And what is your name?"
"Brandewyndoos" antwoord Piet.
Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
--Anon.
You Might be an Engineer If...
... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
... all your sentences begin with "what if."
... Dilbert is your hero.
... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.
... you are always late to meetings.
... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
... you can name at least 6 Star Trek episodes.
... you comment to your wife that straightened her hair is "nice and parallel."
... you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Galactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.
... you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... your favorite actor is R2D2.
... your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
... you think that when people around you yawn it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
... you own an angle grinder and use it to cut all sorts of things, like car springs.
... you tune your TDI to be able to push out 200Kw which totally diminishes its actual purpose of saving fuel.
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,
"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
Eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, and then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Barry, I'm not being difficult .... But I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
How to get the message across very clearly.
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
'n Jong man uit die Vrystaat kom Johannesburg toe en gaan na een van daai 'alles-onder-een-dak' winkels en soek vir werk.
Die bestuurder vra hom, 'Het jy enige ervaring met verkope?'
Ja se die mannetjie, 'Ek het kunsmis by die koöperasie verkoop'.
Die baas het van die jong man gehou en gee toe vir hom die werk.
'Jy begin môre. Ek sal so teen sluitingstyd 'n draai kom maak om te sien hoe dinge gegaan het.'
Sy eerste dag was 'n bietjie aan die rowwe kant maar hy het dit gemaak.
Na die winkel gesluit het, kom maak die baas 'n draai op die winkelvloer.
'So,hoeveel klante het jy vandag gehad?'
Die jong man antwoord sonder om te huiwer,'Een.'
Die baas sê, 'Waat - Net Een??
Ons verkoopsmense hier hanteer 'n gemiddeld van 20 tot 30 klante op 'n dag. Hoeveel het die klant spandeer?'
'R461 387.55' sê die jongman...
'R461 387.55?! wat die joos het jy aan hom verkoop?!'
'Wel,' sê die man, 'Ek het eers 'n klein vishoek aan hom verkoop. Toe verkoop ek 'n medium grootte vishoek en uiteindelik 'n groot vishoek. Toe verkoop ek aan hom 'n nuwe visstok. Toe het ek hom gevra waar hy gaan visvang en hy sê toe by Sodwana aan die noordkus en ek sê toe vir hom dan gaan hy beslis 'n groter boot nodig hê en toe stap ons oor na die bootafdeling en verkoop ek aan hom 'n nuwe Kingkat met dubbele Yamaha buiteboordenjins.Hy sê toe vir my hy dink nie sy Toyota Corrola gaan die ding gesleep kry nie,toe vat ek hom na die motorafdeling en verkoop aan hom 'n nuwe 4x4 Hilux Raider.'
Verstom vra die baas,''n Ou kom hier in om 'n vishoek te koop en jy verkoop aan hom 'n boot en 'n bakkie?'
'Nee, hy was eintlik hier om 'n boks tampons vir sy vrou te koop toe sê ek vir hom, wel,jou naweek is in elk geval klaar in sy moer in - jy kan maar net sowel nou gaan visvang.'
A Lawyer and a Zulu man happen to be sitting next to each other on a
flight from London to Joburg. The lawyer leans over to him and asks if
he would like to play a fun game. The Zulu man is tired and just wants
to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains how the game works . 'I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.' Again, the Zulu man
politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that
since his opponent is a poor Zulu he (lawyer) will easily win this game,
so he makes another offer. 'Ok, how about this. If you don't know the
answer you pay me only 5 pounds, but if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you 500 pounds.'
The streetwise Zulu man wakes up at the mention of such a figure so he
agreed to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?' The Zulu man doesn't say a word,
instead he reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five pound note, and
hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Zulu man's turn. He asks the lawyer: 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at him with
a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references.
He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and
even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends quick e-mails to all
his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the snoring Zulu man and hands him 500 pounds,
who takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is
going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated!
He wakes the Zulu man again and asks . . 'Well, so what goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four?' The Zulu man reaches into his
wallet, hands the lawyer 5 pounds and goes back to sleep with a smile on
his face.
i want to know why every dog in the free state is called @@koff bliksem???
Carl....come out come out where ever you are. We know you in there.
Yes my master. Your wish is my command. And the first wish is?...lol
I'll sleep on that one and let you know
There was a German, an Italian and SIPHO on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
The Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap! he was dead.
Then it was SIPHO'S' turn, and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and SIPHO fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Then SIPHO replied, "Eish you people are so stupid... I'm wearing the condom."
numberone Or perhaps gonna have a shower ....lol :emot19:
With the Lifeboy
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of
composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw
them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is
going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost."
a couple get married,,,,honeymoon over but both enjoying each other too bits.
husband goes to work monday, comes home,wife asks what you want for supper?
sex is the reply.
tues ... supper?
sex..
wed.........supper?
sex
thurs ,same
he comes home early on friday and finds her sliding down the bannister[hand railing above stairs].he asks her what she's doing and she replies "im warming up your supper darling"
The lighter side of Xenophobia.
Sammy Naidoo pulls into the filling station in his swanky new GTi.
"Fill up R200", he tells the attendant, and saunters into the quickshop
for a box of Lucky Strike.
Returning 2mins later, Lucky Strike in mouth, he sees the counter on
the pump has passed R200 and is fast approaching the R300 mark.
"You bloody idiot"! he shouts at the attendant. "I said R200"!
Quick as a flash, he yanks the filling nozzle out of the tank,
saturating his left arm with petrol in the process. Before you
can say "chillie samoosa" the petrol on his arm ignites from
the Lucky Strike in his mouth.
The station manager, who has been watching these goings on
on his forecourt grabs the nearest fire extinguisher and rushes
out to the incident. Arriving at Sammy's side, he lifts the fire
extinguisher and to the shock of the attendant, begins bashing
Sammy about the head with it. After the third blow, Sammy
sinks to his knees, unconscious. With a smile, the manager
turns around and retreats back to his office.
What's the moral of the story?
Never trust an Indian with a firearm!!
Die vrou kom die aand aan by die huis met 'n nuwe ring.
Haar man vra "waar kry jy dit?"
Sy sê sy en haar baas het saam lotto gespeel en die wengeld gedeel.
Volgende aand het sy 'n nuwe selfoon.
Selfde storie. 3de aand het sy 'n nuwe kar. Selfde storie.
Sy vra toe haar man moet vir haar badwater in tap. Toe sy daar kom, is die prop skaars toe met water.
Toe vra sy "hoekom is die water so min?"
Hy se: Ek is bang jou lotto kaartjie word nat!
Imagine answering the phone for this company...
Bongani, is the man !
TEACHER : Why are you late?
BONGANI : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
BONGANI : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER : Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BONGANI : You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER : Bongani, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BONGANI : "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
BONGANI : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
BONGANI : "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
BONGANI : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER : Bongani, go to the map and find North America .
BONGANI : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered North America ?
CLASS : BONGANI!
TEACHER : Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BONGANI : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking, when people are no longer interested?
BONGANI : A teacher
Viskoekies
Die meisie bring haar nuwe kêrel vir die eerste keer huis toe vir ete. Halfpad deur die maaltyd sê die jong man: "Hene tannie, dit is beslis die lekkerste viskoekies wat ek nog ooit geeet het." Met die pomp die meisie hom hard in die ribbekas met haar elmboog en fluister hard: "EET MET DIE ANDER HAND, DIS PAMPOENKOEKIES!"
I'm sure I'd understand, if I new what "Pampoenkoekies" are.
PUMPKIN FRITTERS JNR ... 202 swink
Braai Rules
We will soon enter the summer and the Braai season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking that a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the Braai the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the braai - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE BRAAI.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE BRAAI AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes,sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
That's realy a hard life for SA men, geez. you women are realy hard to please.
While I was reading this I thought: "How lucky must SA women be having such generous husbands." and then...??
Very disapointing.
rooster
thumper image21
image14
So you're back in SA again Paula??
The first of the flood of Obama jokes that is guaranteed to follow...
America's new problem...
Seen on a truck in Durban recently... (Thanks to Bertie for sending this one in)
TOP 4
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal
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