For those of you that know the Scots!
;D
Thanks Les!
Extract from the Scottish Etiquette Handbook
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before throwing bottles at them.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewelry and alters the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the crap house door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a kilt. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean Rangers football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the drivers heads in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North West coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish rugby tops roared into view from around the point.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others,
"Who was that?"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
-- - - - - - - -
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Mike
Thought these might make you chuckle "SCOTS WHA HEY"
Being Scottish is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing and Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Scotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter.
Only in Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
NOT TO MENTION
3 Scots die every year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue
142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a cigarette in their mouth.
and finally...
In 2000, 8 Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred while throwing up in the toilet.
SCOTLAND love it or leave it!!
Good job we can laugh at ourselves :emot112:
I don't know how I missed the reply's to this thread, but here's more:
"Scottish Inventors and Inventions
The average Englishman in the home he call his castle slips into his national costume, a shabby raincoat, patented by Chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow, Scotland.
En-route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland.
He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop, Veterinary Surgeon of Dreghorn, Scotland.
At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers, Bookseller and Printer of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland. At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, Blacksmith of Thornhill, Dumfriesshire, Scotland.
He watches the news on television, an invention of John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots.
He has by now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation he picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot, King James VI, who authorized its translation.
He could take to drink but the Scots make the best in the world.
He could take a rifle and end it all, but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table injected with penicillin, discovered by Sir Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given chloroform, an anesthetic discovered by Sir James Young Simpson, Obstetrician and Gynecologist of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the anesthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank of England founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland.
Perhaps his only remaining hope would be to get a transfusion of guid Scottish blood which would entitle him to ask:
"Wha's Like Us?"
Damn Few And They're A' Died!
laughpoint
Mike
That was excellent here is one
An Englishman & Scotsman are fighting over a lamp as they pull at it a Genie appears
Genie says "Look boys no need to fight I'll grant you both one wish"
Englishman says " Rebuild Hadrians wall in fact surround the whole of England with a huge wall so no-one but the English can get in"
"Done" says the Genie
"Fill it with water!" says the Scotsman
During the Scotland/England wars centuries ago, a mighty English army attempted to invade the Highlands. On a hilltop, a lone kilted Scot appeared and promptly lifted his kilt baring his cheeks, taunting the potential invaders. Infuriated, the English king sent a battalion off to capture the Scot. No-one returned and a scout then confirmed that they had all been killed. The kilted Scot appeared again on another hilltop, again a battalion was sent out and again they were all found dead by the scout.
The Scot appeared for a third time, laughing and jeering at the massed ranks of English soldiers. The King, now absolutely furious, sent the entire army of 3000 soldiers after the wee Scotsman. An hour later, a single soldier returned, limping and badly wounded and said painfully - "Your majesty....it was an ambush...there were two of them!"
laughpoint
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.
'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.
'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.
'How much for a new one?'
'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.'
De Beers looking to hire someone for an important position, interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were called up to give their answers.
The first, from Canada , says "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from England , says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, Mike from Scotland , says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Scotsman got the job ...
Well.... did he?
:wow1:
As it seems, it wasn't our Mike.