Oranjemund Online

allgood


1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.



14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......



16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!! Up-out

 catmusic   more to come ... ?

Michael. image04    With your Scottish heritage you and Sandy should be able to decipher this one




    GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
     
     
    They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

    So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

    A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

    'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

    'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
     
    'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

    Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

    In a quiet voice he said:
     
    'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

    'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'   


    'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
    and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident
                                                        EITHER .................................................. image203

A Blonde city girl marries a Colorado   rancher.     Boobs


One morning, on his way out to check on  the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate  one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the  2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is  when he gets here, okay?




The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the  artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him  down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the  nail, she tells him,  'This is the one  right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me  lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is  the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very  confidently..

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray  tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to  walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants  on.'     :culo1:

('Chalk up one for the  Blonde!' . . It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in  awhile.)   cat3

An Oldie



            THE  HAIRCUT.         ape

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get
a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2
hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."


A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,










"Your house!"

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.

The receptionist says:

Shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies.....

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!!!!        image04

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. rooster




    'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' ape

     

    'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
     

     

    'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? -

     

    a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?'  rooster
     

    'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,' 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .' 
     



Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.




'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.



'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo....'

'Are you sure?'



'I'm fookin sure...' 




Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'



'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris



'Dat it is, Sir.'



There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed,



'Cuckoo is the correct answer!  Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.



'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'



'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'    kiss

image04
2 Beggars

Parvinder and Habib are street   beggars. They beg in different areas of  Brisbane

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder  but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL  of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot  of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as  long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of  $10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign,  what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a  wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get  $2- $3.'

Habib says, 'So what does your sign  say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign.

It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan ' :nono1:

allgood

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.



She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak  to
him.



'You ok?' she  says.    'Yes.' he  says.



'You can go and  play with the other kids you know.' she  says.



'It's best I stay  here' he says. 'Why?' says the  blonde.









The boy says:  'Because, I'm the bloody  goalie'    yellocard

A heart-warming story. fantasy-18



A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,










'Johnnie Walker Black Label Whiskey and women with big tits.'    23_146_26

allgood

The Vicar's Salary




At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.           :emot112_2:

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.                                  :emot112_2:

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'                                    kiss

There is total silence.       catmusic

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:               
'
Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:



















'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,   'F#CK HIM'

I Like!!!!!! rooster image201 image201

goodmorning

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to Operate on. The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating Table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.


The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.


The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.


The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction Workers .. those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:  'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine . Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.......... rooster

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the  roof of the cave to get  some sleep. 164



Pretty  soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling  him
about where he got it.  He told them to p!ss off  & let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he  finally gave in. ape


"OK, follow me", he said & flew  out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind  him. fantasy-18

Down through a valley they went, across a river  & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all  the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues  hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak  tree over there?" he asked


"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats  all screamed in a frenzy.


"Good for you!" said the bat,  "Because I f*cking didn't."

 image201

Hi3

Thanks Sandy, Chris, Bertie nice to get a bit of feed back..........Frank.   image04

CIRCUMCISED




A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. :tifo1:


She went back to find out what was going on.



He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
CIRCUMCISED and he was quite itchy.



The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.



He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He
did and returned to his class.


Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.


She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
'PRIVATE PART' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.





'I did,'  he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.       :culo1:

Good one Frank!!!!!!!!!                    The Rabbi who does the circumcisions is very poorly paid but gets a hell of a lot of tips..........

Short but sweet....               fantasy-18




Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers,



"It's the cobblestones."                   image04

     



    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
        Going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


        So she went to check it out.  She went to the Wailing Wall and there he
        Was walking slowly up to the holy site.


        She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
        Leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview..



        'Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?
        'Maury Fishbein' he replied.
        'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?'
        'For about 60 years.'
        '60 years!   That's amazing!   What do you pray for?



        'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.   pls



I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop, 
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,
   And to love their fellow man.'



'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'







'Like I'm talking to a  f**king  brick wall.'


This is a Joke and I sometimes think reality might as well be................... image04

 
               


                Three Men on  a Hike


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '



Poof! ..

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed:  ' God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river ' 



Poof! ..

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river '

Poof!

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream

and

walked across the bridge.       ............................ image04

 laughpoint

Manure....

An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by
ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shnts of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet,  but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process  of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did)
happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
came  below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening  After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term 'Ship

High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough
off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.  Neither did I.  

I had always thought it was a golf term.

AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT.................................... image04

Aah Frank .. jokes with a bit of history attached ,, now  how about the gauge of trainlines ..  horses and the eventual size of the space shuttle  ir something like that ..clean and forgot  but its rattling around here in brain cells ..  got one  sometime .. can ask my boss again but he in england  for next two weeks .. so come on tell  ...

Sorry Sandy have not come across that one but I like this one............................. image04

A long haired Hippie walked into the local Dole office to pick up his dole
cheque.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I
just HATE drawing the dole.  I'd really rather have a job.'

The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'  'We
have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have to drive
around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive.  A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
Located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year.'

The  wide-eyed, Hippie said,  'You're bullshitin' me!'

The Dole office worker replied, 'Yeah, well......You started it.'

Hi Sandy,
Re your query: this is what I remember of that story.
One of the oddest things about our modern railway systems is the rail width, a gauge of 4 feet 8 inches. How we arrived at that width is interesting. It goes back to the carriage width of the old fashioned stage coach which in turn was based on Roman chariots.
And Roman chariots were that width because they were drawn by two horses. A measurement of two horses' arses side by side comes out at – guess what – approximately four feet, eight inches.
But wait, there's more. The Challenger space rocket used by NASA was originally designed to be carried by rail to the site. And yes, you've guessed it, the result is that today - in the twenty-first century - astronauts have only the width of two horses' arses to move around in.
So the next time somebody calls you a horse's arse don't get too upset, it means you're a historical artifact!
Which all goes to show that we are what we know.
To back that up with another example, take the case of the Royal Artillery field manual. Given the task of updating it after World War Two, a senior artillery officer was intrigued to find that the manual required the fourth man in the standard artillery team stand to attention at the rear throughout the firing and take no part in the action. 
In researching the need for the extra man in the gun team he could get no satisfactory answers other than the fourth man might come in useful if someone was injured, or when offloading ammunition from the supply wagon. None of it made a lot of sense, until he starting looking into old drill manuals.
Sure enough, there in the 1930s manual was the fourth man, standing to attention at the rear. A search of the 1920 manual showed the same thing. The new and updated 1914 manual at the start of World War One also had the fourth man. Curiouser and curiouser. It wasn't until he went back to the Crimean War in the late 1800s that the penny dropped. There was the fourth man, standing at the rear, holding the horses.
Regards,
Bob

Apologies for the previous overbrief review of rail gauge. When all else fails, read the instructions. I went back to the source, and here t'is:

Standard gauge, in railway terminology, means a distance between the rails of 4 feet, 8 ½ inches or 1.435 metres. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? 
Because that's the way they built them in England, & English expatriates built railways all around the world. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first railway lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railway tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge in England, then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did their wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Because, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads. Because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The Roman roads have been used ever since. And the ruts?
The original ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by the wheels of Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The standard railway gauge of 4 feet, 8 1/2 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
Specifications and Bureaucracies Live Forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to  accommodate the back-ends of two war-horses.
And the Space Shuttle?
Plus, there's an interesting extension of the story about railway gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railway from the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railway track, and the railway track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was originally determined by the width of a horse's ass.
 

xmastree policedog-small image04.

The engineers that planed the rail system here were from different parts of the UK, and all had different systems installed
so when you arrived at the border towns you had to change trains.

In fact if you traveled from NSW west to Perth they changed the bogie's!! it has changed................................Frank ..................................... image04

An  old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for

the docks once more, for old times sake.


He  engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,

But needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I  doing??'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor,

you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks.

'What's that supposed to mean??'

She says,


'You're knot hard,

you're knot in,

and you're knot,

getting your money back.            image04

A  GOOD  POSTMAN


One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded.



YOUR NAME CAME UP 7 TIMES....................... image04

 image201  you rock

Hope this is not offensive to anyone I just ................... image04



THE PENIS STUDY

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the  study, the French decided to do they're own study.

After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead......... image201 image04

ouch !!   image19

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.


'YES' SAYS THE CHINESE DOCTOR, 'WAIT TWO WEEKS. FAW OFF BY ITSELF!!'....................... image04

 image201 image201

           IT'S TOUGH GETTING OLD !!         8_1_220(55)

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.


When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

                               The wife yells back to him,

                         






                          "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"


                          AND I AM NOT GETTING AT ANYONE..................... image04

I'm shocked ...

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe" Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans" Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

A boy was playing in the farm field when his mom called him for breakfast. On his way in he kicked the cow,a pig and the chicken. He sits down at the table to a dry bowl of cereal.He asks '' Whats the deal?'' His mom says, ''You kicked the cow so no milk for you,you kicked the pig so no bacon for you and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.'' Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidently kicks the cat. Then the boy says,'' Do you want me to tell him or will you?''

Took me a few moments for that one .......image201 image201 image201 image04

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM


Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.


The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream,

'When I came in here I was tall and Slender! Now I'm short and fat!'



She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.................................... image04

Little  Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born  without ears.

When  mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the  baby. Before  they left their house, Little
Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no  ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned  anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of
his life when they  came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood  completely.. When  Johnnie
looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother  said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie  said, "He has
beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and
really  beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we  are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."




"That's  great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fu*ked if he needed glasses!"..


................................................................................................ image04

NOT OFTEN I CONTRIBUTE HERE BUT  THESE ARE GOOD PLAYS ON WORDS ..

Creative Puns for Educated Minds   

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, --  --but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --  --and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --  --it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --  --and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France -- --would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. -- --They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. -- --Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. -- --The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism --   --is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--  -- Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, --  --'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road --   --is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --  --was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --  --is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet --  --writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --  --In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --  --they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: --  --Practice safe sects !

@frank very good lad..@ Sandy pretty good there, some quite wrap around the tongue ones there.

I think some lady's out there, no the feeling

A Woman's Tale

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said,  'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'  Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,


"What's for dinner, Batman?"............. image04

DEAD MAN WALKING ...    catmusic

 Hi3

On a beautiful summer's day two South African tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of "Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch" they stopped for lunch.



"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very,very slowly?"



The waitress leaned over and said








"Burrrr.....Gurrr.....King."...................................... image04

 

The Human Body!Very informative!


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.


Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.


Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.  .............................. image04



             
       

Now I know why Jen is looking for the tape measure.............

Mike!! I keep looking at my thumb...........and am simply amazed

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?.....................TRUE

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon
on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck
was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a
square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting
on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent
the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for
reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the
iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting
problem was to make them of brass - hence,Brass Monkeys.


Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would
come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a
brass monkey.

And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar
expression?............................................................... image04

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash
your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return
to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.




I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!




OR I'M I THE ONLY MALE THAT DOES THIS........... image04

S'true.

Extract from an Australian medical magazine.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in
Brisbane.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants... I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Only in Ozzy (or perhaps America!!)

Good one Bob!!!......................... this is an Aussie story if you do not understand and need
an interpretation I am willing to do so ............but at a price..................bottle of bundy.....I no!!! I'm
bloody cheap... 


Col, the Country Lawyer, ran across an old client outside of the Alice
Springs Court, an aboriginal lady who was beaming from ear to ear.



She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm
& a slab of
Fosters under the other.





G'day Mary, says Col ,
what are you looking so happy about today ?

Just been to da

fambly court

Col and look,

I got half da house and half
da contents !!



............................................................. image04

INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as  NEWS 5.0,   MONEY 3.0  and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 80 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail..

What can I do?

Reply

Dear  Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance
We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4.. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down............. image04

                 


                            Some Days Aren't Worth Getting Out Of Bed


        A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring Cut off from his willy.

According to the attending Nurse, the girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his willy while he was asleep.

                             I don't know what's worse:

                    1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

                  2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring Got on your willy.

                  3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring !


                                                                                                         image04

This is a perfect example of "do as I say and not as I do !!"

This  is just unbelievable, but why would I be surprised?



 

Tale of Two House.

House   #1
A 20 room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on
a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house, all heated by gas. In
one month this residence consumes more energy than the average American
household does in a year. The average bill for electricity and natural gas
runs over $2400 per month.  In natural gas alone, this property consumes
more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is
not situated in a Northern or Midwestern "snow  belt"  area. It's in the
South.


________________________________




House   #2
Designed by an architecture  professor at a leading national university.
This house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can
provide. The house is 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on a
high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds
geothermal heat-pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into
the ground.

The water (usually 67 degrees F) heats the house in the winter and cools it
in the summer.  The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas
and it consumes one-quarter electricity required for a conventional
heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled
into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and
toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The
collected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house.  Surrounding
flowers and shrubs native to the area enable the property to blend into the
surrounding rural landscape.

~~~~~

HOUSE #1 is outside of Nashville, Tennessee;  it is the adobe of the
"environmentalist" Al Gore.

HOUSE  #2 is on a ranch near Crawford, Texas; it is the residence of ex
President of the United States, George  W. Bush.

An  "inconvenient truth."

And, yes ...  I  DID check Snopes prior to forwarding it.
You can verify it at  :
http://www.snopes.com/politics/bush/house.asp<http://www.snopes.com/politics
/bush/house.asp>

                                              image04

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?




Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top..... image04

Mmm now  we know how politics works ..  toeing the party line ...  very prevalent here ....

Actual exchanges between pilots and  control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!"



My favorite
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
TWA  2341: "Center, we are  at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?"




From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long  takeoff queue: "I'm  f....ing bored!"

Ground Traffic  Control: "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown  aircraft: "I said I  was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"




O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."





A student became lost during a  solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,  ATC asked, "What was  your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for  takeoff."




A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down.  San  JoseTower Noted:
"American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not  able, take the Guadeloupe  exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and  return to the airport."



My favorite.   
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance  in  Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in  German): "Ground, what  is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in  English): "If you want  an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in  English): "I am a  German, flying a German airplane, in Germany  . Why must I speak  English?"
Unknown voice from another plane  (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"




Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern  702: "Tower, Eastern  702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind  Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report  from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and  yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our  caterers."




One day the pilot of  a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while  a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,"What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go  by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and  I'll have enough parts for another one."




The German air controllers at  Frankfurt  Airport  are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's  gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following  exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of  active runway."
Ground:  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main  taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are  going?"
Speedbird    206: "Stand by,  Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt   before?"
Speedbird 206  (coolly): "Yes, twice  in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."




While taxiing at  London 's Airport, the crew  of a  US Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came  nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground  controller lashed out at the  US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you  going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on  Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference  between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting  hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US  Air  2771?"
"Yes,  ma'am," the humbled crew  responded.
Naturally, the ground control  communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US  Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her  current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you  once?"

................................................. image04

ouch !!

                                               


                                                 'Oh To Be 12 Again'
                                                            kiss



A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  
 
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park  What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was..
 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park..
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.

                             What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.  

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'  
 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.  


                                                                   image04

                                Kids sayings Only from the mouths of bubs

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'  

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six..'


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'  

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'  

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'  

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'  
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read : 'The man named  Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

                  Deeply profound thoughts by men.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna
divorce my wife.  She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'



Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,





   'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

                                                                                        image04

HA  HA  LIKE THIS  ONE ...    catmusic

Walking Eagle

On a recent trip to the United States, Julius Malema, President of the African National Congress Youth League, addressed a major gathering of Red Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for South Africa. 


At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.



A very chuffed Malema  then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. 


A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Malema.



They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t that it can no longer fly.

 image201 image201

Good one, Sandy.
This following press report should be good news for women.

Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

      Boobs        image201 image201 image201 image201.............. image04

 trex-073

                                                           
               :culo1:                                               Silver Arrow



A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

                       




                           'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'


                                                                                                                              image04

                       I think TIGER WOODS could relate to this !!!!



A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit." ...................................... image04

                                           
                                        Hi3


                                                               The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­       yellocard


                                                Finally , the guys' side of the story




                                               We always hear 'the rules' From the female side

                                                    Now here are the rules from the male side




                                                                 These are our rules!

                                        Please note.... They are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1.    Learn to work the toilet seat.   You're a big girl.   If it's up, put it down.   We need it up, you need it down.   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.    Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.   Let it be.

1.    Crying is blackmail.

1.    Ask for what you want..   Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!   Just say it!

1.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.   That's what we do.   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.    If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us..

1.    If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.   You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.   Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.    ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.   We have NO idea what mauve is.

1.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.    If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

1.    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, sex, hooters, or  fishing.    boob1

1.    You have enough clothes.     kiss

1.   You have too many shoes.     

1.    I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!  Straight IS a shape! Flat IS a shape!

                                                                        Up-out




1.   Thank you for reading this.   Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?   It's like camping.

                                                                       image04

                                         Toilet Cleaning Instructions :


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add
  1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while
  you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat
  in the toilet and close both lids.
  You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
  This provides a "power-wash" and rinse ".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where it will dry itself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.





                                           
                                  Sincerely,      The Dog               image04

                                      Irish Virginity Test Kit


Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin[/]

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a DIY shop.
 
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
 
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
 
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red.................and the other ball blue.
 
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'                                                                               









[/]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

            Bob had a chuckle over that one!!........... this one on the same lines

                           

                                         Always Ask, Never Assume!!


His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
 
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
 
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'



The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

     

    "Life is short.

    Drink the good wine first"................................... image04

Hahahaha! Frank, liked that one

7/10

yellocard

                             Ahhhhh Psychology



A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and
explaining the phenomenon of  mixed emotions.




The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I
bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same
time.





     



        She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.



                                              image04

 THIS OUGHT TO  MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM &FUZZY


A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her  Grandpa.



When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..... 164

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"           



"What?" said her Grandpa.



"Make a noise  like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

                                                                                  image04

                                            SEX AT 74



                          I've just found out I can still have sex at 74!








                I am so happy because I live at 68, so it's not far to walk home . . .






                                                    HANDY, EH?             image04

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
A man - "Ben from Australia " as he introduced himself - stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...





'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'               image04


OK OK OK its only a joke....................... image24

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as a real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.   Boobs

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
                                                                     ape
"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.                              :culo1:

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"                swink


                                              image04

 image201 image201 image201

He Said To Me!


He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?   


He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

 

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.




He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
 


He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

 

image281 image281 image281.......................... image203 image203................ image04

                      Murphy,


'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
       'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:'So, Murphy, how was your day?'


       Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
       'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
     'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
       'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir,' says Murphy.
       'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous Nun borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting and lies down on the table and
shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five  years I have not seen
any man!'' .........'Tunderin' lard Jaysus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.




'I put drops in her eyes.'

When a couple celebrated their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, The minister asked brother Ralph to share some insight as to how he managed to live in harmony with the same wife for so many years.

Brother Ralph replied to the audience: "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, But mostly I took her traveling on special occasions".

The minister enquired: "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." Replied brother Ralph.

The minister then said: "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph.
Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th wedding anniversary?"

Ralph answered: " I'm going to fetch her."

On the 23 of this month it was our 47th wedding anniversary       kiss......................Margaret wishes she was brother Ralph..... image04

Why, because she only has 3 years left before you go and get her back from where ever you left her 22 years ago  image201

23_146_26.................. image201 image201...... image04

    Obviously best to be read out loud in your best 'Allo 'Allo accent.



Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.
.
"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible!
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me
out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.
"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle
platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."
"'And did you jump?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five
feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,
and 'e said "Jump!"."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my
dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e
said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."."
"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"


"A leetle, at ze beginning."                                   image04

                   
                     Scotch with two drops of water.



A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'.............. image04

                                  Getting Old


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

                                                                     image04

                     


                                     Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of
Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a
table in a cozy little restaurant.


So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over
there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his
head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not
looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by
a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took
the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

                                  The note read:

For me to accept this
bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a
million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your
pants'.


After reading the note, the man
decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the
note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver
it to the lady.

                                      It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari
Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my
several garages; I have beautiful homes in   Aspen and
Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back....

                                   Tiger          catmusic

                                    Financial planning


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."


Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


            Women are so much better at financial planning than men.    margarita

 16_1_231

                                       It sucks getting old

                                    
                      Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

                          She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

                   I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch
                                       
 
                           






                   Apparently I'm not welcome at KFC anymore.................................... image04

                                         Married Life

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the dog



                                                                                                                        image04

Yes Frank, I know the feeling...........   image201

                                  WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.  Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed a pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.  Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.


A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......


                     






                                       





                                            'Bastards won't let me fart.'

Quote from: toonfandangl on May 18, 2010, 07:02:31 AM

                                         Married Life

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the dog



                                                                                                                        image04

Your story makes me feel better. I thought I'm the only guy with a dogs life.

                                   
                                  "The Birds'n'Bees"



The Teacher was telling the children about "the Birds'n'Bees", and she
explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, ....Nine months
later, the STORK usually brings them a little baby from it's nest.(yeah,
we've all heard that one!)


At the back of the class, little Gemma put her hand up, and asked the
Teacher, "Are you sure about the STORK, miss?  I think you're getting your
BIRDS mixed up, 'cos my big sister just got a little baby, and she said it
was from a 'SHAG at the beach'!!!"

                                       

                                                     The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy,  an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.










The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again........... image04

                                           THE Hypnotism


I felt sorry  for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised  seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and  yelled F#*k  me!!





What happened  next will haunt me forever!! ...................... image04

 image201

 image04

                                                 
                                                       soccer3


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our
daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and
maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


SCROLL DOWN.............













































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.                                        image04

HERES A GOOD ONE  IN A LIGHTER VEIN  ITS A DOCUMENT SO  YOU HAVE TO OPEN IT ...

 arse

                             

                          FEMALE COMPASSION                                      Boobs

(The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. 

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'


The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.


The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'


The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?'


The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'







She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'                   image04

A professor at the University of Durban was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.




Realizing this was not the most riveting subject,

the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'






                 





          She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.'    image04

love10



A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to an Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.



The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:




Dear Sir,



Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.





The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:





Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.



We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as  a toffee apple.                          image04

 image19

                         


                                AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO


  An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She
  seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a
  single roll of the dice.

  She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
  completely nude'.

  With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
  an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

  As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
  squealed...'YES!  YES! I WON, I WON!'

 She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
  her clothes and quickly departed.

  The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
  Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

  The other answered,
  'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

  MORAL OF THE STORY -

  Not all Irish are drunks,
  not all blondes are dumb,
  but all men...are men.


                                                                      image04

 notfair

And to that we can add the tale of the two Irish friends about the leave the pub.

One says to other, ""I can't be bothered to walk all the way home."

"I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home."

"We could steal a bus from the depot." replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

"After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?"

"I can't find a No. 91"

"Oh Jaysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout."

Mmm unless I'm mistaken ,,, first time I seen Bob  post a joke ,,,  welcome ...

A Quickie                                                                                        image04

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings ........................................Walt Disney

Most Scottish persons will understand this one the rest of you will have to ask for an interpretation

Look I am not sure whether that's his name ?....................but I had a chuckle   (http://www.easyfreesmileys.com/smileys/lol-052.GIF)


(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12ab32d26855635b&attid=0.5&disp=thd&zw)

                                 

                                                  Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend
shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I
come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...
UGH!'... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first
mutters, 'It was Embarrassing... I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't
get on the bed.'......................................   image04

 affe-red

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He gets weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally???


Ever wonder why?




(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12b0764ce93eb097&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)



It's because she smells like a new Football !!!!............ image04

This is a collision between a Dublin Bus and a Dublin Tram on Wednesday 16/09/09

(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12b72904dd1f2432&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)

Now look closer, below, at the ad on the side of the bus that the Tram went into. ...........







(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12b72904dd1f2432&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw)

Well I think its funny.... hope no one got hurt.......................... image04

There's no bus pic Frank.... can anybody else see it....

Sorry to all if you can not see the bus... so hope this is OK ................Thanks Mike!

(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12b72904dd1f2432&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw)

WEl I can see the bus. It's a little square with a red cross in it...

rooster

Sorry George!... I am getting the picture here OK ................so will explain, there is a close up at the point of the collision... and the advert on the side of the bus is saying..................'Should've gone to Specsavers'


(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12b72904dd1f2432&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw)

 image201 image201 image201 image201 image201 image201 ?????????????????

Frank is that pic in your google mail.... think google mail is preventing other websites loading it...
You only see it because its in your computer cache all ready...  sorriso2

Sex after Death


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Judy..........Judy"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
 
"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Kansas ."

Probable Mike its a bit confusing at this moment in time,...........have to take some medication so not sure if I am Arther or Mather.................................................. image04

Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 3
years old, and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift. It was one
of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her sit
quietly in another room, so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea,
because I was so cute. Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. Mum watches dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know......) 'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'

(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12b700d349e1b4e4&attid=0.1&disp=thd&zw)

 
An esteemed professor of archeology was back from a dig in Israel where the oldest
settlement in that part of the world had been discovered, along with a tablet containing
drawings of what was thought to be the world's oldest writing.
The professor was there to give a slide show lecture and the hall was packed, standing
room only.

Finally, the tablet was discussed and a likeness of the symbols was put on the overhead
projector for all to see. You could hear a pin drop as the Professor explained his findings.

"The first symbol as you see is a woman - which we take to mean that this society held
women as equals if not in high respect and as an important part of life, showing their social
sophistication. Next we have a donkey, proving their domestication of of animals. Next we
have a shovel which ties in with the donkey - in that it symbolizes farming and working of
the land, cultivation of crops and building homes. Next we see a fish, further proving this
idea of a productive society that had the ability to farm and fish. And last, we see a Star of
David, showing that even at the beginning of what we can call recorded history of that area,
the people were religious and they saw this religion as the cornerstone of their family, work,
and culture together."

The room was quiet, reflecting with admiration, the simple ways of these people.

Then from the back came the voice of an old man.

"Excuse me?", he said. "I don't mean to cause a problem, but you have it all wrong".
"What do you mean?", called the professor as all heads turned.

"Well," said the old man, "this is from Israel, so you're reading Hebrew. Hebrew is read
right-to-left. You translated it left-to-right. According to my translation, it should really read:

"Holy mackerel - dig the ass on that broad!"

Pants and Panties....

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly... I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.  They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine ..!

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

Headache....

A guy walks into the house in the middle of the night, storming drunk.  He finds his wife fast asleep in bed, with her mouth open, grabs two panados and pops them into her mouth. 

The wife wakes up, chocking: " What did you throw into my mouth?"

Man: "Two panados."

Wife:  "Are you crazy?  I don't have a headache!!"

Man, smiling from ear to ear:  "That's exactly what I wanted to hear, mamma, that's exactly what I wanted to hear !!"

I'm not sure how true this is but as I have over 200 emails in my inbox this was the first one I looked at!!




image203   Irish Luck

    His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
    and ran to the bog.

    There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

    The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

    'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

    'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

    'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

    'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

    'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

    Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

    Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
    What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

    The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
    Sir Winston Churchill.

    Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
    Work like you don't need the money.
    Love like you've never been hurt.
    Dance like nobody's watching.
    Sing like nobody's listening.
    Live like it's Heaven on Earth.



    I hope it works...
    May there always be work for your hands to do;
    May your purse always hold a coin or two;
    May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
    May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
    May the hand of a friend always be near you;
    May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
    and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead. ........... image04

 ape

As we seniors know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.


I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem..


As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?


He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?


No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard .................................................................. image04

The Dead Cow and Vet School ________

First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,                                       msn emoticon (224)

'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his
finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.


'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.'

'I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'..................................... image04

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.    msn emoticon (224)


When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.   Boobs

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great".  Now turn over on your left side and again,
While I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
With your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold  on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.




The guy begins, "One .. Two ...Three"........................................ image04

 image04

(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=12dc7127370f407b&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)



Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker and insightful philosopher. Simple, yet so profound!  Read the earthy wisdom of the famed Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday  Only a man of sagacity and maturity could so succinctly encapsulate his feelings at this decisive point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker."

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f**kin' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!............................................. image04

Police in Birmingham just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Birmingham

Local residents were stunned.


A community spokesman said:  "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library !

At Senior Citizens they had a quiz the other day.  I lost by one point.  The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?  Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.




One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.  It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not the correct answer either.




I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.




You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.




A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.  I said "How can you tell them apart?"  He said "Her brother's got a moustache."




Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.  I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"  Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!



The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives.  Apparently prophets are going through the roof!!




The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Well some of them made me smile.............................................................. image04

 :emot112_2: image201 image201

                                                   
                                            Home Work


A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the
  difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David
  Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with
  David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would
  too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for
a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

 "Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could
  be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts
  and a poofter."......................................................................................... trex-073 image04

                            It helps if you are Scottish to understand this joke

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organized a'ready: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'

Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?' 

(http://di106.shopping.com/images/di/72/77/59/6b61474c43644a365174384d46653078634341-125x125-0-0.jpg?p=p10.532a40a1bca003652e6e&a=1&c=36&l=8001532&t=110309070628&r=2)............. image04




'Ach,' says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white "

                                               (http://cdn.mgsrvr.com/funnies/images/shell/funnies-logo.gif)



   If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it !) .............(http://farts.typepad.com/smiley_fart.gif) ThatStinks2



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!) ....................... love10


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes..

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..) ................... image061


A cockroach will live nine days without its head  before it starves to death.    (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)............................ ha ha


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates  sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?).......................................... ape

   
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) .............................. kiss


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day...................... 164

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) .................. pls


Butterflies taste with their feet. (http://th639.photobucket.com/albums/uu114/loveej/Butterflies/th_bf2.gif)

(Something I always wanted to know.) ........................ fantasy-18

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.   

(Hmmmmmm......)........ Hot(1)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(http://www.free-animations.co.uk/animals/elephants/images/elephant_1.gif)







A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)..................... msn emoticon (224)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
..................................... ape

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.   

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) .................... winter1



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??).............................. :wow1:.......................... image04

(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/61/Trifolium_repens_Leaf_April_2%2C_2010.jpg/220px-Trifolium_repens_Leaf_April_2%2C_2010.jpg)

Lubricant


Murphy's'  old lady had been  pregnant for some time  and now the time had come.

He brought  her to the  doctor and the doctor began to  deliver the baby.

She had a little boy,  and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.  'Hey,  Murph! You just had you a  son,!


'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy  got excited by this, but just then the  doctor  spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We  ain't  finished  yet, !'

The  doctor then delivered a little girl.

He  said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter,  !!!! She is a pretty lil ting,  too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by  this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,  we  aint got done yet, !'

The doctor  then delivered another boy and said,   Murph, you just had  yourself another boy,  !'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc,  what caused all of dem  babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph,  it was probably something that happened  during  conception.'

Murphy said,  'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph  and his wife went home with their three   children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night  that  we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat  dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah,  I  remember dat night...'

Murph  said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a  f"" kin' good  ting we didn't use  WD-40.

Most people nowadays think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the car, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.













(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=1303f453e21189f7&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)


This works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well

Give it a Try???

 notfair  Can't see the pic Frank.....

Is that better......................................................... image04


(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=1303f453e21189f7&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw)

Nope ... still nothing ... 3_8_14

Nope, that were'nt it.......

The image will appear to be live to you, as it is stored on your browsers cache, but we don't see nuttin'...... and now we are even more curiouser to see it...
are-you-there

OK try this one ???? (https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=13077f6e23a839e6&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=8a55ade7685abb05_0.1.2&zw)

 :wow1:   :nono1:

Pics don't load from inside Googlemail Frank.... save it and upload it...  sorriso2

 love10 love10 love10

It's working Frank ...  image201

 
thnx.. Patrica........................................ image04

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?












The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.








The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.








The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..






That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.











The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.









The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.




The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.







The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."






The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.







The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"




The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.. The man requests the key to the stone door.






The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...







...silver, topaz, and amethyst.







Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.









The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

                                             
                                                            WHY SEE CHANGED MOTELS




Last week, a woman checked into a motel in Oranjemund and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a ten cent coin off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"



                     

       




  He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A women is having s#x with her lover in an apartment 20 stories high.
Suddenly her husband returns from a long trip, and she hears him approaching in the apartment,
So she tells the lover: "do not move at all... I will resolve this situation!"
Comes the husband: "who is this?" asked the husband
Wife: "oh sweetie... this is jus a robot I bought to have s#x with when u not around, so that I don't have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours...
I did it because u spend all the time travelling and u know that I...uhhm... have needs!!"
Husband: "oh honey I understand perfectly well... I believe u... ok let's do a quickie now, I came home as fast as I can and I'm extremely horny now!!"
Wife: " OH NO DARLLING... yesterday I got my period... u better take a bath, I'll prepare u sumthing to eat so long"
The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out...
Husband: "D@mn I'm so fcken horny... I am going to f*#k this robot instead.." he tries entering the robot from his behind...
With a metallic and robotic voice the lover proclaims : "SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!... SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!"
The husband says: "f*#k this crappy robot... I'm going to throw it out of the god d@mn window!!" the lover realises that he's 20 stories high in the apartment and exclaims:
"SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! U MAY TRY AGAIN... I REPEAT... TRY AGAIN!!!"

(http://mit.zenfs.com/121/2011/04/robot_kendrick.jpg). bravo bravo image201.....you recon they would throw him out the window Patricia image201.

Who, the robot on the left? No way man  image201

Bloke walks into a pub with his pet monkey.

He orders a beer, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some nibbles off the bar and eats them.

Then grabs someones chips and eats them.

Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The barman screams at the bloke, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The bloke says, "No, what?"

"He just ate a ball off the pool table!

He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke.

"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.

Sorry. I'll pay for the ball and that."

He finishes his drink, pays up for the monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the pub again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a beer and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the bloke.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the barman.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. 

  "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that pool ball, he measures everything first." !!!

 image201 image201 image201 image201

Us men stick together. A woman stayed away from home one night and told her husband she was with her best friend. He called her 10 best friends and they denied it. A man slept out and also said he was with best friend. She called his 10 best friends. 7 said that he slept over and 3 swore that he was still there. Us men stick together.

Here is a good joke for today. An Irishman walks out of a Bar..... Well it can happen.

                                                        BLOND JOKE..........................SORRY GIRLS





                                     
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob  and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. 
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

AUSTRALIAN LETTER OF THE YEAR

This apparently is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing! Please excuse the language contained within, but the author was understandably upset....


Dear Mr. Minister,


I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.  How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997,and yet, the  Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.  It is on my driver's license, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also.. would somebody  please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name  is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f**king astounded, if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SHIT! I apologize, Mr. Minister.  But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f**king address!! What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture.. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes.  I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl)..  And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?  If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!


Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f**king copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too f**king easy and makes far too much sense.  You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f**king heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo!
You know the photo.. the one where  we're not allowed to  smile?! ...you f**king morons

Signed -
An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!  In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.


However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know...  someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN f**kING PAKISTAN !!!. ......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all f**king idiots in governments all over...change please!!!!!!


Cheers for now,
Chris Leff

                                                         
                                                                      Responsible consumption of alcohol 


    I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.      As you know most of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in our car.      Well, I, for one, have done something about it.       The other  night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.     After having far too much wine, and knowing full well I was wasted,  I did something I've never done before.       I took a bus home.      I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,











as I have never driven a bus before !!!!!!................................................ image04

Jobs, Hope and Cash

                                                 
                                                     A Male Fairy Tale:







Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "No!!!" .... And the Prince lived happily ever after and
rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted
and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his
age and drank whiskey, beer  and never heard bitching and never paid child
support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and
ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got
cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he
was frigin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up.
The end.

                     A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat',
agreed to look  after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on
vacation. She had a large  house and believed that she could keep the two
dogs apart. However, as  she  was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds,   rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together, in obvious pain and  unable  to disengage, as so frequently
happens when dogs mate.



Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next and, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.



Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,



"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."



"Do you think that will work?" she asked.











"It just worked for me," he replied

(http://www.freesmileys.org/emoticons/emoticon-object-086.gif)


                                                  HONEYMOON

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees?  They're all lumpy and deformed!" 

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles.  It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." 

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...





Smallcox  !

you want to play - from a mid 70's mag

                                      Maybe we should quit exercising and just wash our hair more !!

New information on shampoos:
I have just discovered this important information below.
Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight !!!

Well, I 've got rid of that shampoo and I'm going to start using Dish
Washing Liquid instead.

It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!  If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

(http://www.myhaircare.com.au/product/1739s.jpg) (http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSp_B6YugyePFrr1-g6DgkD6TNXEo2KAGpDLmnXx5OxJKqK3Drf3w)........... image04

(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSoXij01sQZk7-PKsRgiStm-YYuCF8Pvszp6N9B7B17cFnsIfMHBQ)



A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"  The shop keeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or one likethat widdle bwown one over there?" The

little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . .

"I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuc!"  love10

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others.  This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.


The real moral of the story......

LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.  

(http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/346182/82072704.jpg)........................ kiss

.

Julia G goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.  After her talk she offers question time.  One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:


Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?

Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f*ck happened to Stanley?"

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw
herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would
bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her
until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a
routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing
me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight
Ferry."

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his GP.

'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him.'You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'
'Yes,' the man replies shakily.

'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.'

A parrot on a perch is sitting in front of a pet store in Mitchell's Plain.
A woman walks by. The parrot says to her:
"Hey lady, djy's Baie lelik."
The woman is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she sees the same parrot and it again says to her:
"Hey lady, djy's Baie lelik." , upsetting her again.
The next day the same parrot again says to her:
"Hey lady, djy's Baie lelik."
The woman, furious, went into the store and said she would sue the store owner and have the bird killed.
The store manager promised he would see to it that the parrot would not be so rude again.
When the woman walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her:
"Hey lady."
She paused and said:
"Yes? "
The bird said: ............
"Djy wiet MOS!"

Drunk Driver - True story from Australia
>
> Only an Aussie could pull this one off !
> A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland .
>
> Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood
> pub late in the evening.
> The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that
> he could barely walk.
>
> The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
> quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
> five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was
> there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
> drove off.
>
> Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
> dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and
> then switched on the lights.
>
> He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then
> remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At
> last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
> road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
> started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over
> and carried out a breathalyser test.
>
> To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
> intoxication.
>
> The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police
> station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
>
> "I doubt it mate," said the man, "tonight, I'm the designated decoy"..
>

No Ricky that's not true it did not happen at Mt Isa it was at Vassies pub in Ferntreegully Melbourne where the Burwood Hwy and Route 26 meets Ferntreegully Rd Route 22 I know this to be true as it was my mate Bob Fairman (God rest his Sole) was the decoy that night.(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)



British humour, very politically incorrect !...................I realise its very racist but I did have a laugh at the third one down

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use
water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to
stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.



Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles
every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his
family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the
Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London :
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


Look I only send them on......................................................   (http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?


Do you suffer from shyness?


Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.


Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.


You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regime of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.


Stop hiding and start living.


Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!


Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir...

Council  Job Interview

A  bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The  interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies,  "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service  before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two  tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points  toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any  way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there  and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then  says, "O.K.. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right  away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can  start tomorrow at 10.00am – and  carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and  asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,
why don't you  want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment  y'know"


"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"  the interviewer says,



"For the first two hours, we just stand around  drinking coffee and scratching our balls
There's no point in you  coming in for that. (http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

                                  Mills and Boon Classic - The Storm



They  were together in the House.


Just  the two of  them.

It  was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had  come quickly and

each  time the thunder boomed he watched her  jump.

She  looked across the room and admired his  strong appearance....and
wished that he would take her in  his arms, comfort her and  protect her
from the  storm.


Suddenly,  with a pop, the power went out.... She  screamed..

He  raced to the sofa where she was  cowering.

He  didn't hesitate to pull her into his  arms..

He  knew this was a forbidden union and expected her  to pull  back.

He was  surprised when she didn't resist but instead  clung to  him.

The  storm raged  on....


They  knew it was  wrong...

Their families would  never understand... So consumed were

they  in their FEAR that they heard no opening of  doors...

just  the faint click of a camera..........................................................(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

                                                           God and Perth

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired,  --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
----  "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,   ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet,"  --- replied God,   --- and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" ---   inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries.  ---  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said,   ---  "What's that one?"
"That's Perth, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and  humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,   ---  "But what about balance, God?   You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled,  --- "I will create Canberra! Australiers seat of Goverment
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.".................................................................(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

(http://images.meredith.com/uploads/sharemy/03212012/65797128_thumb.jpg)


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'

(http://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/lookandlearn-preview/M/M822/M822351.jpg).............(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. 
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes  in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the African hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get  in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the
nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government employee, so he comes in, signs  the register and then goes home to sleep."

SOUTH  AFRICAN BOERESEUN
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone
rings.

He hangs up grinning from  ear to  ear and orders a round for the whole bar
announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg  baby  boy.

Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says,
'We make 'em big back home folks.  My boy's typically South African. A
future 'Bok for sure.'

Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard.

One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.

Barman says 'We were going to call  you,  everyone's been making bets as to
how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he  weigh now?'

The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.

The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already
weighed 12kg on the day he was born'.

The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer,
wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and  says:  'Had him
circumcised, boet'.

Paddy texts his wife.

Mary, Im just having one more pint & I will be home in twenty minutes.

If I am not home in twenty minutes,,,,,,,,, read this text again.

ThatStinks2

 Little Susie gets home from school & tells her mum that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels & they said that she was very good.
Her mom said, "Dont do it, the boys only want to see your knickers".
Susie said, "I know, thats why I hid them in my bag!". :buffo9:

An American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani are all on top of the Eiffel tower.
The American throws a load of money over the edge.
"What did you do that for ?" The others ask.
"We have so much money in the United states that I can afford to!"
The Frenchman throws a load of champagne over the edge.
"We have so much champagne here, I can throw over as much as I like."
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says....."DONT YOU F^%ING DARE!"  sorriso2

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.   What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.. "

Only ???
A lady phones her local Police Station and says: "My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet."
The Local Police Officer pauses and says: " Eish..seriaas . so Why don ye cook someting else den?"

Poetic Justice?


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic
Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not
dead. Let me out!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through
his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal, the paperwork's already
done".

(http://www.blogcdn.com/www.urlesque.com/media/2010/04/intro-1272599286.jpg)

                        There was a bit of confusion at the SPAR supermarket this morning.



When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the check-out girl said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my  MP about excessive security measures these days, I did just as check-out girl had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

Thanks to Dennis B.............

Banned from Safeway.

Didn't like shopping there anyway.


Yesterday I was at my local Woolies/Safeway store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me - I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Safeway.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's
> temper and threatening manner.
>
>>
>
>>The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
>
>>
>
>>The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
> time ma hubbie comes home
>
>>drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
>
>>
>
>>The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
> your husband arrives home intoxicated,
>
>>just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
> Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
>
>>until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
>
>>
>
>>Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
> She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!
>
>>Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished
> an' swished, and he didnae touch
>
>>me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do
> that?"
>
>>
>
>>The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water
> does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth
>
>>shut that does the trick..."
>
>

Brian......

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got Into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody, surely" Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

" Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f#ckin' widow."

Scottish Pragmatism


A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said,
"Why kin they no play at night?

An older gentleman was

On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
To hear them say "you don't look that old."
_____________________________



------------------------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

###########################

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

***********************
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.


The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'


The old guy says, 'Well, Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair, Blue eyes, is buxom, wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says,

'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

                (http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

A water Bed in a German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed

but, oh well.....the best way to motivate people not to do something is to put up a sign saying people."Don't......get on the bed
people trying out the water bed makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies !
Turn on speakers and watch  It's in German, but that's OK (http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

http://youtu.be/9wm-Ge8LL7o (http://youtu.be/9wm-Ge8LL7o)

 Just love those two women at the end  image201 image201 image201

Scottish Restrooms...

With thanks to Dennis B

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia .
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye
and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif) kiss kiss kiss

Its a bit naughty but I had a laugh...........................................(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

Now I understand and am in awe, the Scots are so romantic.

They have that unattainable touch that us mere mortals cannot hope to reach for.

They bring a tear to the eyes of men who are limited by the mere behavioural trait of lesser human conditioning.

The Scots - surely the last of the romantics!

"http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0"

Another Scottish Poem ..........................(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

What is the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney ?
" Bing sings and Walt dis-ney " ...................................................... smiley-hug008.gif

.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice, cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about an age- old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby. And here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

The
Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger


who was new to our small town. From the beginning,

Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer

and soon invited him to live with our family. The

stranger was quickly accepted and was around

from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my


family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.

My parents were complementary instructors: Mum

taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would


keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,


mysteries and comedies.


If I wanted to know anything about politics, history


or science, he always knew the answers about the past,


understood the present and even seemed able to predict

the future! He took my family to the first major league


ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The


stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem

to mind.

Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of


us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to


say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and
quiet.


(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,

but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them.


Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not

from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor,
however, got away with four-letter words that burned my

ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.



My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the

stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made
cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.


He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments

were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing..


I now know that my early concepts about relationships were
influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he

opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom
rebuked
... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved

in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly

as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into

my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over

in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and

watch him draw his pictures.

His
name?....
We just call him ................................'TV. image031

                                          Man escapes from the local police custody...


(https://mail.google.com/mail/ca/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=13d368c463abaac9&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)

                                       (http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

This whole horse meat thing is getting out of hand.... I just heard that buffalo wings contain chicken!!
•        My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Durban July.
•        With all the meat related revelations of the past week, I'm waiting in anticipation to hear the truth about Monkey Gland sauce...:O, I am wonderıng what about Black cat pee-nut butter?
•        Food labels will no longer use "kilojoule content" to describe the energy value, it will now be referred to as "horse power"


•        O die donkie is 'n wonderlike ding. Ons rek die mince en maak meer wins , Ja die donkie is 'n wonderlike ding!

                                             Just Bear With Me


                                     http://e2url.com/Bear-surprises-Samsung-crew-video.html (http://e2url.com/Bear-surprises-Samsung-crew-video.html)

COLIN THE ABORIGINE
(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=afb378b129&view=att&th=1416e44e972d450e&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1)

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.  He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.  Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.  How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.  How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?





Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in..............(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)






'

...

The Perfect Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man.
"We visited ...the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

 :wow1: mmmh! How's married life treating you then Patricia?

BoomSmilie_anim

Quote from: Michael Alexander on August 30, 2014, 11:57:57 AM
:wow1: mmmh! How's married life treating you then Patricia?

BoomSmilie_anim

Leon's a fast learner ... I only have to tell him things once ...  image201 image201 image201

Our gatiepie days in the district6 was a very clever and quick thinker which u only get in Sunny Cape town. Here it comes.
An american tourist was taken by gatiepie on a rafting expedition on the Orange river.
The american ask gatiepie: do u know psychology, methodology, biology or geology?
Gatiep replied no master ek hettie skool gegaan nie so these words are foreign to me..
American: shame gatiepee u sure don't know alot my friend..
Suddenly water starts seeping into the boat and... the tourist panicked.
Gatiep asked him: master, do u know SWIMONOLOGY and ESCAPOLOGY away from the CROCOGOLOGY?
AMERICAN WTF is that gatiepee explain..
Gatiep well sir today u going to see JOUMASEMOEROLOGY just before you VERSUIPOLOGY AND WILL VREKOLOGY.

this is no joke

Education is an important life skill that everyone should be allowed to experience.....!

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/95/Billy_Connolly_Festival_Cine_Sidney.jpg/440px-Billy_Connolly_Festival_Cine_Sidney.jpg)

Love this guy seen his HIGH HORSE TOUR in AUSSIE in 2015 sadly he is suffering from Parkinson Disease.
Here are some one liners
"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on." "Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." "There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter." "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

"A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand." "I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home."

"Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was 'How are you getting on?'" "I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

"Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's."
"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."

Read more at: https://www.scotsman.com/lifestyle/75-of-billy-connolly-s-best-jokes-one-liners-and-quips-1-4629144 (https://www.scotsman.com/lifestyle/75-of-billy-connolly-s-best-jokes-one-liners-and-quips-1-4629144)


(http://www.oranjemundonline.com/Forum/Smileys/Morty%27s%20Set/image04.gif)

 image19 ape

Jan gets home stone drunk 2AM one Saturday morning and does not recall anything about what happened after about 10:30 Friday night or how he even got home. Expecting the lecture of his life and some serious silent treatment from the Mrs after he wakes up on Saturday he is astonished on waking up to find a beautifully prepared breakfast in bed with his favourite hangover cure. In fact as the day progresses his Mrs is very happy with him. Thinking this is some new type of torture and it the plan is to spring it on him later he gets more and more nervous. Eventually by the next day he can't stand the suspension anymore and asks his wife when she is gonna let him have it. The wife laughing asks "So you really don't remember what happened when you got home that night?"

He mutely shakes his head trying for the life of him to figure out what he possibly could have done or said to earn this.

She tells him, "You rolled into bed, and when I pulled on your shoulder to shout at you you said:
"Get lost whench, I'm married!".