On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a qu'ici "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."
affe-red
That's German quality!!
affe-red affe-red affe-red affe-red
image201
After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so We should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ...
HOLY CRAP !'
Silence followed
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking To you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in My lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled,
'For fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!
image201 ha ha affe-red EXCELLENT!!!!
bravo Good One image203
And everybody knows of course how to get into an Irish submarine - just swim down and knock on the conning tower.
And then there was the IRA recruit who was told to go out and blow up a bus. He came back and said he tried his best but only burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe.
Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age.
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel".
image061 swink kiss image203 image203 image203 :emot112_2:...................... image04
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give
it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, goodness gracious me! It was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Fook me, no no no, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Mugg 'n Bean again!'
image281
You gotta love the Irish........... 3d smiles(281)
I never saw Viagra on the menu at the Mugg and Bean....
ape
You been looking affe-red
Being the big breakfast eating kinda guy, I feel the food is more important, mind you have yet to find out what goes on in the toilet at the Mugg & Bean.....
(http://blog.fring.com/southafrica/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/mb1.jpg)
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' - and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
A) Sparrow
B) Thrush
C) Magpie
D) Cuckoo?
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin"
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple – it's s a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause – and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million Euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
image201 Birdie
IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue elled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON , I WON !'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men.. are men.
@Patricia, I think you and I have a friend in common on the emailing lists....
image281