# Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said England's performance on Saturday was completely appalling. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
# Q: What's the difference between England goalkeeper Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
# A: Robert Green has got a cap for his.
# Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.
He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied: "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out."
# Illusionist David Blaine is heartbroken that the record he got for doing nothing in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney.
# England headed home from the World Cup after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times. - AFP
A Coloured, Whitey and Indian are sharing a table in a restaurant. They notice another man sitting on his own in the corner. He looks familiar. Suddenly the Coloured twigs:
"It's the Pope!"
They all have another look. Sure enough, it was the Pope. Thrilled, they send him over the best chow on the menu. The Pope accepts the food, smiles over at the three men, and starts eating. After he finishes his meal the Pope approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Durban Indian and shakes it, thanking him for the food. When he lets go, the Indian gives a cry of amazement:
"My Goodness! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
The Pope then also shakes the White's hand, thanking him. As he lets go the man's eyes widen in shock.
"It's true mate! The bad back I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a freaking miracle!"
The Pope then approaches the Coloured who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Pope.
"What's wrong?" asks the Pope.
"Jy raakie aan my nie," the Coloured shouts. "Ek's op a disability grant!"