> > Best Irish joke for a long time!
> >
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
"Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his
face.
"Bi, Jaysus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to
the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
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> > "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!"
good one
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on
a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".
With that, she stripped, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama
needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
;D ;D ;D He he he
Subject:: Northern Ireland Girls...
Three men sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry the first man had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James the second man had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
Joe the third man said that he had married a Northern Ireland girl.
He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.
Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper
:emot19:
Michael you're only laughing because you're a Scot.
Why don't Scotsman not close the refridgerator door?
Cause they don't believe the light goes off.
It's old, it's got a beard....
Garda = (police)
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning
Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'
Asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
thequestion. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said
to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a
motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And
said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the f**k would you say?'