A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the £20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
AND I'm on a roll now......I Like the Way You're Thinking
Little James was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked on him to answer a question.
"James," she said, "if there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied James, "because I would shoot one and the rest
would fly away."
"Well, the answer I was looking for is four," said the teacher,
"but I like the way you are thinking."
Then Little James said, "I have a question for you now.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a
shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting
the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
The teacher blushed and answered meekly, "Well, I'm not sure.
I guess the one sucking the cone..."
"No," said Little James, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!"
oh no maybe this is way over the top, na never mind.............
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't
know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick"
he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, She
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your
Dad,apparently he had the best time of his life."
YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN: :auguri1:
You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume".
You call a traffic light a "robot".
You call an elevator a "lift"
You call a hood a "bonnet"
You call a trunk a "boot"
You call a pickup truck a "bakkie"
You call a Barbeque a "Braai"
The employees dance in front of the building to show
how unhappy they are.
The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the
programme you just finished
watching.
You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees
Celsius is Arctic weather.
You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never
had any.
You can sing your national anthem in four languages,
and you have no idea
what it means in any of them.
You know someone who knows someone who has met
Nelson Mandela.
You go to braais regularly, where you eat boerewors
and swim, sometimes
simultaneously.
You know that there's nothing to do in the Orange
Free State .
You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's
licence when stopped by a
traffic officer.
You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.
You have to hire a security guard whenever you park
your car.
When you are a victim of crime and say: "At least
I'm still alive".
You know a taxi can move twice it's certified number
of people in one trip.
You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow.
You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee
To get free electricity you have to pay a connection
fee of R750.
More people vote in a local reality TV show than in
a local election.
People have the most wonderful names: Christmas,
Goodwill, Pretty,
Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious,
Innocence and Given,
Patience, Portion, Coronation.
"Now now" or "just now" can mean anything from a
minute to a month.
You continue to wait after a traffic light has
turned to green to make way
for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.
Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on
the highway/freeway.
You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever
you find your car parked
where you left it.
A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix
potholes.
The last time you visited the coast you paid more in
speeding fines and
toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.
You paint your car's registration on the roof.
You have to take your own linen with you if you are
admitted to a
government hospital.
You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get
one.
Prisoners go on strike.
You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case
somebody hijacks your car.
You consider it a good month if you only get mugged
once.
Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because
the crime rate is too
high.
You consider a high crime rate as normal.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to
other friends from SA.
VIVA RSA!! VIVA!!!!!
LOL :emot19:
That was a good laugh where do you find them :emot112_2:
internet the wonders of email.
It's a small world - hey
Hey Barbara.
You're realy a witty girl. I like the way you keep all of us buy with jokes, stories, comments ect.
Obviousley I have this picture of a 12, 13 or 14 year old girl in mind. :emot19:
obviously.... thank you kindly so sweet :sorriso2:
By the way. Would it be rude to ask what you do for a living? Somehow, I felt due to a fomer topic, you might be in the health buiseness. vampire :Weed_Spin_2:
How many of these commons expressions did you know were originally derived from cockney rhyming slang?
Adam and Eve = believe ('would you adam and eve it?')
Alan Wickers = knickers (of more recent origin, as featured in the film 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels': "keep yer alan's on...")
Apples and pears = stairs
April (April in Paris) = Aris (from Arstotle = Bottle, from Bottle and glass = Arse)
Aris = arse (from Aristotle, see above, or Bottle)
Attila (Attila the Hun) = two-one (2i, an upper 2nd class UK university degree)
Barnet (Barnet fair) = hair
Barney (Barney Rubble) = trouble, now also means argument
Basil (Basil Fawlty) = balti (curry)
Berk or Burk (Berkeley Hunt) = (yes you guessed it - now you know what you're really saying when you call someone a Berk)
Bird (bird lime) = Time (prison)
Boat (boat race) = face
Bobble (Bobble hat and scarf) = laugh ("you're having a bobble", ie., you cannot be serious)
Bottle (Bottle and glass) = arse (also meaning courage, from the allusion to loss of rectal control under pressure)
Bowler Hat = Cat
Brahms (Brahms and Liszt) = pissed
Brass Tacks = Facts ('let's get down to brass tacks')
Brassic (boracic lint) = skint (penniless)
Bread (bread and honey) = money
Bristols (Bristol Cities) = titties (breasts)
Brown Bread = dead
Bubble (Barf/Bath) = laugh ('you 'avin' a bubble?..')
(Buckshee is not cockney rhyming slang for 'free', as some sources suggest, including here previously. I am grateful to Huw Thomas for pointing me in the right direction about the actual origins of Buckshee.)
Butchers (butchers hook) = look ('give us butchers..')
Canoes = shoes
Chalfonts (Chalfont St Giles) = piles (Haemorrhoids)
Charlie (Charlie Hunt) = (yes you guessed it again - remember it next time you call someone a right charlie)
Chewy toffee = coffee
China (china plate) = mate ('me old china')
Cloud seven = heaven
Cobblers (cobblers awls, or cobblers stalls) = Balls ('you're talking cobblers')
Coco/Cocoa = say so (see variations below)
Crust (crust of bread) = head
Daisy Roots = boots
Desmond (Desmond Tutu) = two-two (2ii, a lower 2nd class UK university degree)
Dickie Bird = word
Dickie Dirt = shirt
Ding dong = sing song (now evolved to mean argument or fight)
Dipstick = prick (bet you never knew that was rhyming slang)
Dog and bone = phone
Douglas Hurd = third (third class university degree) or turd
D'Oyly Carte = fart
Duch (duchess of Fife) = wife ('me old Duch')
Duke of Cork = talk
Dunlop Tyre = liar
Dustbin lids = kids
Earwig = twig (understand, to catch on - now evolved to mean eavesdrop)
Elephants (elephants trunk) = drunk
Farmers (farmer Giles) = piles (haemorrhoids)
Flying duck = (yes you guessed it - and now more commonly evolved back to give the expression 'couldn't give a flying f**k')
Frog and Toad = road
Geoff Hurst = first (a 1st class university degree)
German band = hand (particularly used in plural: 'Germans' for hands - apparently German bands were commonly seen in London in the early 1900's - I am grateful to C Isaacson for confirming that 'Germans' was a common expression for hands in 1950's London)
Greens (greengages) = wages (money)
Ginger (ginger beer) = queer (homosexual)
Half inch = pinch (steal)
Hampstead Heath = teeth
Hillman Hunter = punter (customer - Hillman Hunter was a car from the 1960's)
Hit and miss = kiss or piss
Holy ghost = toast
Iron (iron hoof) = poof (homosexual)
Jack Jones = alone, (on your own - 'On your Jack')
Jacob's (Crackers) = knackers (testicles)
Jackanory = story (tall tale)
Jam jar = car
Jimmy (Jimmy Riddle) = piddle (see more explanation at the cliches origins section)
Joanna = piano (cockney pronunciation of piano would be 'piana')
J Arthur (J Arthur Rank) = wank (masturbate)
Jodrell Bank = wank
Joe Soap = dope (stupid man)
Kettle (and hob) = watch (fob watch - Ack M Kelsey - 'Kettle' means 'watch'. A fob is actually a small pocket in the waistline of the trousers or in a waistcoat, in which a pocket-watch would be kept, often connected and secured via a fob chain. The anachronistic nature of the association today provides an example of how language evolves from something recognisable into something seemingly illogical. For the same reason in years to come people will wonder why we say the 'telephone is ringing', or why flushing the toilet is referred to as 'pulling the chain'.)
Khyber (Khyber Pass) = arse
Lionel Blairs = flares (flared trousers)
Loaf (loaf of bread) = head ('use your loaf')
Marbles (marbles and conkers) = bonkers (mad - probably the root of the expression 'lost your marbles' meaning gone mad)
Merchant banker = wanker
Mother's ruin = gin
Micky/Mickey (Micky Bliss/Mickey Bliss) = Piss (almost certainly the origin of 'taking the micky/mickey'. Incidentally if you know or can suggest who Mickey Bliss/Michael Bliss/Mike Bliss was - 1940's or earlier - please let me know)
Minces (mince pies) = eyes
Moby Dick = sick
Mutton (Mutt and Jeff) = deaf (originally from an American fictional pair of bungling characters called Mutt and Jeff, popularised by the cartoonist HC 'Bud' Fischer in the 1930's)
Nellie Duff = puff (breath, evolved into 'not on your nellie' - puff being breath, and breath being life)
Niagra Falls = balls (testicles)
North and south = mouth
Nutmeg = leg (leading to the soccer term 'nutmeg', meaning to play the ball between your opponent's legs)
Orchestra stalls = balls (testicles)
Old bag = hag (horrible woman - bet you never knew that was rhyming slang)
On the floor = poor
Oxo (Oxo cube) = tube (the London Underground train system)
Pen (pen and ink) = stink
Plates of meat = feet
Pipe (pipe and drum) = bum
Pipe your Eye = cry
Plate (plate of ham) = Gam (perform oral sex, from the French term, Gamahucher)
Pony (pony and trap) = crap
Poppy (poppy red) = bread (= money, from Bread and honey)
Porky (pork pie) = lie (fib)
Rabbit (rabbit and pork) = talk
Raspberry (raspberry tart) = fart (evolved to include 'blowing a raspberry' with the tongue)
Razzmatazz = jazz (evolved to mean general excitement)
Richard the Third = turd
Rosie (Rosie Lee) = tea ('cup of rosie')
Rubber/rubber dub (Rub-a-dub-dub) = Pub (or club)
Ruby (Ruby Murray) = curry
Sausage and mash = cash
Scarper (Scapa Flow) = go, run away (also derived from Italian slang, parlyaree, where the word 'scarpare' means to escape)
Sherman tank = wank
Skin and blister = sister
Sky rocket = pocket
Sweeney Todd = Flying Squad (The Sweeney was a big TV police series in the 1970's)
Syrup (syrup of fig) = wig (leading to 'golden syrup' meaning a really awful wig)
Taters (potatoes in the mould) = cold
Tea leaf = thief
Tiddly (tiddly wink) = drink (now evolved to mean drunk)
Thora Hird = third (3rd class university degree)
Titfer (Tit for tat) = hat
Toby jugs = lugs (ears)
Tod (Tod Sloane) = on your own, also alone ('on your tod' means on your own)
Toe rag = slag (originally meaning a girl of easy virtue, but now evolved to mean an unpleasant person)
Tom (tomfoolery) = jewellery ('Tom' now means any stolen goods)
Tom and Dick = sick
Tom (Tom Tit) = shit
Trolley (trolley and truck) = yes you guessed it... used in the verb sense of fornicating, rather than the oath expletive form (according to Cassell's this also gave rise round 1910 to the naval slang expression of 'trolley-oggling' referring to voyeurism - see also 'off your trolley')
Trombone = phone
Trouble (trouble and strife) = wife
Turkish bath = laugh
Two and eight = state ('in a right old two and eight')
Uncle Dick = sick
Vera Lynn = gin
Weasel (weasel and stoat) = coat
Whistle (whistle and flute) = suit
Refer to post re: Nicki b'day (sorry mate) it was too tempting....
I adam and eve from Nick's post that his bird lime over the weekend was spend with Jack Jones
With he pipe and drum still raw from all the pony and trap
Poor bloke, hope his giles are ok and that the family don't get uncle dick their mince pies may water tho with the pen and ink.
I'm gonna grab my weasel and go for a mothers ruin hope I have a bobble.
That some homework you've done there Barbara - picked up some new ones thanks.
I do try to please Barbara
Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the Union Buildings in PTA; one from Cape Town, another from JHB and the third, Transkei. They go with a Government official to examine the fence.
The Cape Town contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about R900 000: R500 000 for materials, R300 000 for my crew and R100 000 profit for me."
The JHB contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says "I can do this job for R700 000; R400 000 for materials, R200 000 for my crew and R100 000 profit for me."
The Transkei contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "R2.7 million."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Transkei contractor whispers back, "R1 million for me, R1 million for you, and we'll hire the guy from JHB to fix the fence."
"Done!" Replies the government official.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!
It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the
bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to
go out to dinner.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1757.
If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Last step: subtract the four digit year that you were born.
see below:
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!!!
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
This is one from my pal in PE again.
[left]Gotta love little boys...
To all my friends who have sons...and those who don't...it seems that
two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,
"Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued,
"Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied,
"Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother.
He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride
a bike. He can't do either one."[/left]
.
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorola's and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found
:emot77:
:emot19:
A young boy had just got his driver's license and asked his dad if
they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal
with his son. "If you bring your grades up from C to B, study your Bible
and get your hair cut ... then we'll talk about you borrowing the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, I'm really proud of you. You've brought your grades up and I've
been watching you studying your Bible. However, I'm a bit
disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut."
The lad paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson
had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and
there's a strong argument that Jesus had long hair too."
To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"
2 girls talking.
"What are the names of your 6 boys?"
"Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter and Peter."
"What do you do if you want to call them for dinner?"
"I only have to call Peter once."
"Hmm! If you only want one of them..."
"I call him by his surname."
In Cape Town there is a new Doll on the shelves in the stores.
Its called " The Talking Muslim Doll."
Trouble is no one knows what it says, because everyone is to #@#* scared to pull the cord.
:emot19: