Oi, you yobs in London - beware the snotklapping Namibians!

[Robert Bruce]

Oh dear, beware the snotklapping Namibians!

Who is 'rambler@namibian.com.na'?

He/she writes in the NAMIBIAN. Aside from spelling errors (and I fall fowl of this a lot), he/she is hilarious. I liked the suggestion to send a Namibian force over to UK to quell the riots with snotklappe!

This is precisely what we ranted at the police here in UK to do. We wanted the snot to fly. But in atypical and rumour has it, wimpiest "how hard must we pelt them before running away" confusion, the cops demurred and so the rioting mobs' snot remained snug n safe in their sinuses.

@rambler is advised that in UK and many other parts of the world, his/her 'snotklappe' resolution just misses the mark on being classified as 'zero tolerance'. Shame. It's a real pity it misses the universally approved riot ending qualifying grade. The Brits prefer to 'klap' rioting mobs with batons or anything hard like a cricket bat for instance that will hurt and leave a nasty bruise to remind the offender that unless he behaves, the Namibians will come to 'snotklap' them.

Quote:"BRITISH Prime Minister David Cameron had to cut his nice Tuscan holiday short just to admonish an unruly mob of youngsters who have been rioting in various London neighbourhoods and other cities this week. He warned them (in a wimpish Sam Nujoma impersonation) that they will feel the full force of the law. It is believed the youth were protesting police brutality after they killed a young man last week."

There is no excuse for the police to have killed Mr Duggan. Very recent history reveals incidents where the UK police have proved inept at handling serious situations involving firearms. For many in UK these situations could and should have ended without loss of life. Sorry, I digress.

The rioters rioted last week because perhaps it is better than playing "Call of Duty: Black Ops" all day long. This game dulls the brain or whatever brain cells remain after playing CoDBO or slobbing on a sofa all day or even complaining about the hard slog it is to go sign on at the local Job Centre. 

But then @rambler went on.., "On Tuesday Cameron ordered 16 000 trembling police officers onto London's streets to end the criminal looting. While Zimbos chuckle at the misfortune of their erstwhile masters, the English should look no further than Namibia to quell this grave and profound terrorism that they cannot seem to get under control. The Namibian police could offer their Pommy pals only 50 parra- parras. Those gweeries could klap London into tranquility in less than 24 hours. The bontpakke usually give any suspicious looking character the snotklap of his life before they even ask why he looks so suspicious and why is he wearing an earring if he has a dick. Those lilly livered yobs will think twice before continuing their loutish behaviour while the pride and joy of Namibia's armed forces patrol their streets."

If I could pay their way to UK to do as suggested I feel certain Mr Cameron would roll over with delight at the sight of British yobs' snot flying everywhere. Umbrella sales would kick-start our manufacturing industry and help drag us out of the dire economic doldrums we continue to experience here.

Trouble is not all of London would permit a Namibian force to 'snotklap' them. Especially the real London's east-end gangsters. Yes, the proper and very real gangsters not the wimpish wannabe CoDBO crowd.

In closing, thanks for the offer to quell the mob culture in London. Can the Namibian force please pack lunches before leaving Windhoek to deal with the yobs in London? They might be needed to exact their snotklapping punishment around the rest of England, Wales and Glasgow?

Can I make a special request? Can your Namibian force also go to the football games and sort out the soccer hooligans and other yobs who attend? If they  focus on anyone wearing a football shirt with Rooney printed on the back they'll sweep up the majority of yobs in the stadium. Leave alone those with Beckham on the back.

And there is no need to worry about us rugby supporters. We are all middle management through to professional lawyer yobs and gangster consultants.

Finally, I will ask my local MP to tell Mr Cameron to do his Sam Nujoma impersonation at the next Prime Minister's Questions session in the House of Commons. I am certain it'll be a hit and bring the house down! Something that snotklapping Guy Fawkes failed to manage.

UPDATE: I apologise. I failed to correct @rambler that the Cameron's holiday in Tuscany was not nice. It was spoiled because you know who forgot to tip the waitress where they ate lunch. This could have resulted in a diplomatic fallout with Italian members of parliament. Luckily it blew over 'cos the Italian PM was not in town or at office. Perhaps he was otherwise occupied with a threesome in Naples.

The Camerons did return to the restaurant to apologise. You see, sloppy service in Europe results in no payment so make certain the snotklapping Namibian force is given a waiting course before they leave. You never know, they might decamp to live here as professional snotklappers and will need something to fall back on when the UK population is sorted out.

UPDATE II: Sorry @rambler, I cannot accept having your Namibian snotklapping force come over to the UK to snotklap London yobs into behaving properly. We have an opportunity to take in an American ex cop who in 2009 was awarded an honorary Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire. And he will forsake his USA citizenship to get the gig! Will your Snotklappers do that? No, I didn't think so. So thanks for the kind offer. Your gesture was duly noted and I must say, it isn't often the UK receives such kind offers to sort out the yobbo culture the Brit cops and Brit society cannot seem to ultimately get rid of. Weeelll, do they really and truly want to get rid of them? I don't think so.

Maybe it's because yobs are actually considered to be a national treasure! And we do love, cherish and treasure our British yobs. Britain wouldn't be the UK wiffout a yob to criticize, flick the V's at then get the the living krep kicked out of us. Also, we wouldn't get that jolt of fear and adreneline whenever a pair of three yobs walked toward us as we exited Boots or the Iceland shop or Waitrose.

Getting rid of the dole cheaters wouldn't be the right thing to do either 'cos we'd be left as a nation without a cause. Not right innit?

UPDATE III: Just in - Cameron says a "social fightback" must follow the security responses. I'm game for a bit of social fightbacking at the local pub. Could be the game of the year. Hope they release an iPhone app for it too. Heh, I knew our Cameron would come up with a brill idea. Innit?!

Loadsa Love

RB

[SandyB]

The  yobs will  definitely howl   " It snot  funny  being klapped "  neither me Dad  or Mum  ever dared to do so  for fear of having the welfare  descend on
them ...   

[Robert Bruce]

Lucky for you those baboons didn't snotklap you either....!!

;0)

[SandyB]

I was a cute  lost  injured child -- they took pity and looked after me ... 

[SandyB]

Mmmm   reading again see a thread misunderstood ... Robert ..  I got my fair share of snotklaps  from my folks and also from the troop of adopted aunts and uncles in Om.. .. those were the days ....  was refering to the yobs   and  the " welfare " in place in the UK at present ..

[Paul Alexander]

Just read this now Robert, flippen brilliant that is... I love yob speak.... no reason why the english language should't get rid of the the troublesome "th" sound and replace it with "ff". That way, when sumfink or someone, yeah, somes up to you inna street, right, and you fall right into 'is fist, right and knock yer teeff out, you can still keep talkin normal right!!!!

[Robert Bruce]

This link arrived in my mailbox this afternoon. I cannot comment except to say he needs to go into politics!

http://dotsub.com/view/6474921d-8943-443b-9128-de62aa3b3e54

[Bob Molloy]

He needs more than that, he needs a chiropractor to sort out his kneejerk thinking. And if the heart is the seat of emotion as the poets suggest, he also needs a heart transplant.
Come to think of it, his frontal cortex could do with a good coat of looking at, assuming that he thinks at all which is not evident in anything he said.
Other than that he's probably a nice guy who watches Coronation Street and is kind to his cat.

[Robert Bruce]

Bob,

Sadly I think he is representative of a growing % of the nation who are feeling aggrieved at their taxes supporting the lifestyles of the rioters. Yes I think there is a lot of stereotyping in regard to a minority but the riots has turned support and created an increasing groundswell of resentment to that particular set of people.

Where before there was outcry at their plight, it has scaled up to a tangible anger at them for 'extracting the mickey' out of their lifestyle support system - us and the taxes we pay.

The interesting point I take away from this video is that here is a middle-class man venting by way of vlogging. From a technological/age perspective he has truly engaged the vlogging medum.

I feel sorry for the cats though. An angry, frustrated bleeding heart doth not a cat lover make!