Carl's Joke Collection.

[Carl Wrbka]

 Koos and Japie from BRAKPAN were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final

       They spotted this sign on a shop window:
       Suits R20--00 each
       Shirts R10--00 each
       Trousers R8--00 per pair
       Koos says to his pal. "Hey Japie, check at that! Bliksem, we
       could buy a
       whole load of those clothes... then when we get back we could
       resell them
        and make us a moerse fortune!"
       "Now listen boet, when we go into the shop you keep your big
       mouth shut,hey!
       Just you let me do all the talking and wheeling and dealing
       stuff, because
       if they hear your BRAKPAN accent, they might try to rip us off.
       I'll be
       giving them my best PRETORIA accent so they think we're locals."

       They go in and Koos says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your
       finest suits
       at R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your
       trousers at
       just R8 each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those items
       with me today, if you don't mind."
       The owner of the shop interrupts,
       "You from BRAKPAN, right?"
       "Err....ja" says Koos, "how do you know?"
       The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaner, you doos!"

[georg ruf jr.]

 :emot98:

Good idea with your topic Carl. 

[Carl Wrbka]

Thanks jnr. It was actually your suggestion. Is the Alzheimers acting up again? ... lol   

Just trying to comply with Kenny's rules. Some of my best jokes are unfortunately "copy&paste", so if it upsets some people on the forum, they now have the choice of not clicking on my joke collection. Problem solved.

[georg ruf jr.]

I haven't read the rules, must admit. But I don't see no problem with the "paste and post" option. None of us are good enough to make up all these jokes. So keep it coming Carl...

[Carl Wrbka]

Jannie loop in die badkamer in net toe sy ma uit

die stort uitklim en Jannie sien nou 'n kaal vrou vir die eerste keer.

Hy skrik hom amper dood toe hy haar aan kyk want

hy het gedink almal het 'n pypie soos hy.

Hy skree vir sy ma: "Ma, wie het vir Ma so lelik gesny?"

Sy kyk hom so aan en se: "Nee my kind die Liewe

Jesus het my so gemaak"

Jannie kyk so mooi van voor en agter en se:

"Mammie hy het amper jou hol raak gesny!"

Sy ma se: "Nee Jannie dit is natuurlik soos dit!

Jy het eintlik daar uit gekom.

Jannie se asem is amper weg geslat toe hy dit

hoor. Hy se:"Ma dit kan nie wees nie!" "Ja Jannie dit is waar"

antwoord sy Ma. Hy kyk so van voor en agter en dan so van onder

af. Sy ma laat hom kyk want sy wil nou he hy moet leer van die

"birds and the bees"

"Ma is jy nou rerig ernstig?" se hy.

"Ja my kind. Jy het daar uit gekom, glo my!"

Hy kyk weer, dink weer en krap sy kop weer en

se: "Ma as ek daar uit gekom het is ek mos 'n blerrie gelukkige kind".

"Hoe bedoel jy nou?" se sy ma.

"NEE, NET n' DUIM VERDER DAN WAS EK n' DROL!"

[Carl Wrbka]

How the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car...
You know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and sometimes life-stuff seems
to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it when the other driver got out of his car...
he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'


...and that's when the fight started.

[Michael Alexander]

hahahahaha... I missed alll these jokes,,, make sgood reading, puts a smile on me face...

[Rhona]

Hey Carl - can I rent a space please..............

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.   
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.   

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.   

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.  She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. 

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!   

For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care.  And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..............................

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.  What did you buy?'

[Chris Macpherson]

 e154

a new barbie doll on the market:

comes with no house, car, clothes ,food, money............... zimbarbie

[Rhona]

  :emot19:

[Carl Wrbka]

And then there's Divorced Barbie. She comes with Ken's car,house, etc,etc

[Carl Wrbka]

Piet is in Engeland op besigheid en omdat hy alleen is, gaan hy na die naaste pub toe.  Hy sien 'n girl daar eenkant staan. Hy stap nader en vra wat haar naam is. "My name is Carmen," sê sy.

"Dat is a much beautiful name.  Is it a family  name?" vra hy.

"No" sê sy, "it's the name I gave myself and it's a mixture of the things I  like in life - Cars and Men. Hence Carmen.  And what is your name?"

"Brandewyndoos" antwoord Piet.

[Carl Wrbka]

 Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
--Anon.

You Might be an Engineer If...

... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

... all your sentences begin with "what if."

... Dilbert is your hero.

... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.

... you are always late to meetings.

... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

... you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

... you can name at least 6 Star Trek episodes.

... you comment to your wife that  straightened her hair is "nice and parallel."

... you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Galactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.

... you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

... you've already calculated how much you make per second.

... your favorite actor is R2D2.

... your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her. 

... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

... you think that when people around you yawn it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
 
... you own an angle grinder and use it to cut all sorts of things, like car springs.

... you tune your TDI to be able to push out 200Kw which totally diminishes its actual purpose of saving fuel.

[Carl Wrbka]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,
"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
Eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, and then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

"Listen Barry, I'm not being difficult .... But I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

[Carl Wrbka]

How to get the message across very clearly.