Carl's Joke Collection.

[Carl Wrbka]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Carl Wrbka]

'n Jong man uit die Vrystaat kom Johannesburg toe en gaan na een van daai 'alles-onder-een-dak' winkels en soek vir werk.
Die bestuurder vra hom, 'Het jy enige ervaring met verkope?'

Ja se die mannetjie, 'Ek het kunsmis by die koöperasie verkoop'.

Die baas het van die jong man gehou en gee toe vir hom die werk.

'Jy begin môre. Ek sal so teen sluitingstyd 'n draai kom maak om te sien hoe dinge gegaan het.'

Sy eerste dag was 'n bietjie aan die rowwe kant maar hy het dit gemaak.

Na die winkel gesluit het, kom maak die baas 'n draai op die winkelvloer.

'So,hoeveel klante het jy vandag gehad?'

Die jong man antwoord sonder om te huiwer,'Een.'

Die baas sê, 'Waat - Net Een??

Ons verkoopsmense hier hanteer 'n gemiddeld van 20 tot 30 klante op 'n dag. Hoeveel het die klant spandeer?'

'R461 387.55' sê die jongman...

'R461 387.55?! wat die joos het jy aan hom verkoop?!'

'Wel,' sê die man, 'Ek het eers 'n klein vishoek aan hom verkoop. Toe verkoop ek 'n medium grootte vishoek en uiteindelik 'n groot vishoek. Toe verkoop ek aan hom 'n nuwe visstok. Toe het ek hom gevra waar hy gaan visvang en hy sê toe by Sodwana aan die noordkus en ek sê toe vir hom dan gaan hy beslis 'n groter boot nodig hê en toe stap ons oor na die bootafdeling  en verkoop ek aan hom 'n nuwe Kingkat met dubbele Yamaha buiteboordenjins.Hy sê toe vir my hy dink nie sy Toyota Corrola gaan die ding gesleep kry nie,toe vat ek hom na die motorafdeling en verkoop aan hom 'n nuwe 4x4 Hilux Raider.'

Verstom vra die baas,''n Ou kom hier in om 'n vishoek te koop en jy verkoop aan hom 'n boot en 'n bakkie?'

'Nee, hy was eintlik hier om 'n boks tampons vir sy vrou te koop toe sê ek vir hom, wel,jou naweek is in elk geval klaar in sy moer in - jy kan maar net sowel nou gaan visvang.'

[Carl Wrbka]

 A Lawyer and a Zulu man happen to be sitting next to each other on a
flight from London to Joburg. The lawyer leans over to him and asks if
he would like to play a fun game. The Zulu man is tired and just wants
to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains how the game works . 'I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.' Again, the Zulu man
politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that
since his opponent is a poor Zulu he (lawyer) will easily win this game,
so he makes another offer. 'Ok, how about this. If you don't know the
answer you pay me only 5 pounds, but if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you 500 pounds.'

The streetwise Zulu man wakes up at the mention of such a figure so he
agreed to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?' The Zulu man doesn't say a word,
instead he reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five pound note, and
hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Zulu man's turn. He asks the lawyer: 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at him with
a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references.
He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and
even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends quick e-mails to all
his co-workers and friends he knows.

All to no avail. After an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the snoring Zulu man and hands him 500 pounds,
who takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is
going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated!
He wakes the Zulu man again and asks . . 'Well, so what goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four?' The Zulu man reaches into his
wallet, hands the lawyer 5 pounds and goes back to sleep with a smile on
his face.

[Chris Macpherson]

i want to know why every dog in the free state is called @@koff bliksem???

[Diana Rudd (Boehme)]

Carl....come out come out where ever you are. We know you in there.

[Carl Wrbka]

Yes my master. Your wish is my command. And the first wish is?...lol

[Diana Rudd (Boehme)]

I'll sleep on that one and let you know

[Carl Wrbka]

There was a German, an Italian and SIPHO on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.

The Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap! he was dead.

Then it was SIPHO'S' turn, and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and SIPHO fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"

Then SIPHO replied, "Eish you people are so stupid... I'm wearing the condom."

[DUNJA WRBKA]

    Or perhaps gonna have a shower ....lol       :emot19:

[Carl Wrbka]

With the Lifeboy

[Carl Wrbka]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with  diarrhoea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of
composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw
them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is
going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost."

[Chris Macpherson]

a couple get married,,,,honeymoon over but both enjoying each other too bits.

husband goes to work monday, comes home,wife asks what you want for supper?
sex is the reply.
tues ... supper?
sex..
wed.........supper?
sex
thurs ,same


he comes home early on friday and finds her sliding down the bannister[hand railing above stairs].he asks her what she's doing and she replies "im warming up your supper darling"

[Carl Wrbka]

The lighter side of Xenophobia.

Sammy Naidoo pulls into the filling station in his swanky new GTi.
"Fill up R200", he tells the attendant, and saunters into the quickshop
for a box of Lucky Strike.

Returning 2mins later, Lucky Strike in mouth, he sees the counter on
the pump has passed R200 and is fast approaching the R300 mark.

"You bloody idiot"! he shouts at the attendant. "I said R200"!

Quick as a flash, he yanks the filling nozzle out of the tank,
saturating his left arm with petrol in the process. Before you
can say "chillie samoosa" the petrol on his arm ignites from
the Lucky Strike in his mouth.

The station manager, who has been watching these goings on
on his forecourt grabs the nearest fire extinguisher and rushes
out to the incident. Arriving at Sammy's side, he lifts the fire
extinguisher and to the shock of the attendant, begins bashing
Sammy about the head with it. After the third blow, Sammy
sinks to his knees, unconscious. With a smile, the manager
turns around and retreats back to his office.

What's the moral of the story?


Never trust an Indian with a firearm!!

[Carl Wrbka]

Die vrou kom die aand aan by die huis met 'n nuwe ring.
Haar man vra "waar kry jy dit?"
Sy sê sy en haar baas het saam lotto gespeel en die wengeld gedeel.
Volgende aand het sy 'n nuwe selfoon.
Selfde storie. 3de aand het sy 'n nuwe kar. Selfde storie.
Sy vra toe haar man moet vir haar badwater in tap. Toe sy daar kom, is die prop skaars toe met water.
Toe vra sy "hoekom is die water so min?"
Hy se: Ek is bang jou lotto kaartjie word nat!

[Carl Wrbka]

Imagine answering the phone for this company...