Just To Make You Laugh

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

 

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Matthew, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Matthew clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T error? What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'

Matthew grinned.  'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'   


So I wrote it down:   ID10T

I used to like the little shit.

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

Souf Afrikan Lingo










 
"Excuse me?" or "pardon?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can say: "Hey?"

If you want to use it at the end of a sentence, you can say something like "Ag donner, this mieliepap is very hot, Hey"

Is it?: This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute If someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for Capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership." It is appropriate to respond by saying: "Is it?"

Jawelnofine: This is another conversation fallback word. Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" (q.v.) and "fine", it means roughly "how about that." If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can say with confidence: "Jawelnofine."

Jislaaik: Pronounced "Yiss-like", it is an expression of astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China , a suitable comment is: "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot of people Hey!."

Klap: Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning thump smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time at the movies at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad. In America , that is called child abuse. In South Africa , it is called promoting education. It's what you do to the guy who gave you the hot mieliepap.

Lekker: An Afrikaans word meaning 'nice', this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim: "Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable. You might, however, get a klap.

Tackies: These are sneakers or running/tennis shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are big tyres, as in: "Where did you get those lekker fat tackies on your Volksie (VW), hey?"

Dop: This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad.

First the good.

A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. If you are invited over for a dop, be careful. It could be one or two sedate drinks or a blast, depending on the company you have fallen in with. When you get invited to a braai, you will inevitably be asked to bring your own dop.

Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If you dopped Standard Two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this.

Sarmie: This is a sandwich. For generations, school-children have traded sarmies during lunch breaks. If you are sending kids off to school in the morning, don't give them liver-polony sarmies. They are the toughest to trade. Definitely not lekker.

Bakkie: This word is pronounced "bucky" and it is a small truck or pick-up. Young men can take their "cherrie" (g/friend) to the drive-in flick in a bakkie, but it is not always an appropriate form of transport because the seats usually don't recline and you may be forced to watch the film. This is never the purpose of going to a Drive-In flick.

Howzit: This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the land. It is often used with the word "No" as in this exchange: "No, howzit?" "No, fine."

"Mrs Balls" Chutney: We don't know if the lady ever existed, but if she did, ( NOTE: YES SHE DID FACT:...)

She has earned a place of honour in South African kitchen history. Chutney is, of course, of Indian origin and is pickled fruit prepared with vinegar, spices and sugar. South Africans are known to eat it with everything, including fried eggs. Some even put it on their mieliepap.

"Now Now": In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase:
"Now, now, don't cry-I'll take you to the bioscope tomorrow." But in South Africa , this phrase means a little sooner than soon: "Ill clean my room now now, Ma." It is a little more urgent than "just now" which means an indefinite time in the future.

"Tune me grief:" To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. Be selective about using the term. For example, if your bank manager calls you in for an urgent chat about your overdraft, you should avoid saying: "Hey, listen. You're tuning me grief, man." That would be unwise and could result in 'major tuning of grief'. There are variations. You can say about your boss: "This oke (guy) is tuning me uphill."

Boet: This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups. Pronounced "boot" as in "foot", it can be applied to a non-brother. For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used. But don't use either with someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronising and you'll probably get 'donnered', hey.

Pasop: >From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in: "Your mother hasn't had her morning coffee yet Boet, so pasop and stay out of her way." Sometimes just the word "pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.

Skop, Skiet en Donder: Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in Afrikaans,this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick.

Vrot : Pronounced - "frot": A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like. Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few times too often with unwashed feet can be termed 'Vrot' by unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer.

Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it.

Pasop:
We once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot." However, it is mostly used to describe the state of the drunk boets at the braai who finished all their dop.

Graze: In a country with a strong agricultural tradition, it is not surprising that farming words crop up (pun intended) in general conversation. Thus to graze means to eat. If you are invited to a Bioscope show, you may be asked: "Do you want to catch a graze now now?.

Catch a tan: This is what you do when you lie on the beach pretending to study for your matric exams. The Brits, who have their own very odd phrases, say they are getting "bronzed". Nature has always been unkind to South African schoolchildren, providing beach and swimming pool weather just when they should be swotting for the mid-summer finals. If you spend too much time catching a tan at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad.

Rock up: To rock up some place is to just sort of arrive. You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be selective about it. You can't just rock up for a job interview or at a five-star restaurant. You give them a tinkle first - then you can rock up. You can, however, rock up at a braai providing you've brought your own dop.

Scale: To scale something is to steal it. A person who is "scaly" is not nice, ie a scumbag, and should be left off the Christmas party invitation list. If he does rock up, don't give him any pap, donner him, boet, and scale all his dop, hey!.
 

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.  The
music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.  After a
couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.  As
you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's
when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.

[SandyB]

Mmm  clever  little boy  trying at  dead man walking ...      how  you doing  Paula ??

[Michele Alexander (Voden)]

  I really enjoyed that! Mike and I have often wondered what foreigners make of us when we are talking as there are so many Afrikaans words thrown in!

 

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

Mmm  clever  little boy  trying at  dead man walking ...      how  you doing  Paula ??

Hi Sandy, I am doing very well and keeping busy, had snow a few weeks ago, loved it, woke the kids up to watch the snow falling. hehe

[antonette cloete]

Confucious said   Man who stands on toilet  is high on pot

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

 Send this along to all your male colleagues – so that they don't end up like me...



A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers:

Over the last two months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and WindoLene with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Builders Warehouse.
You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th.

Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, 12th, 15th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your male friends and colleagues to be careful.

P.S. Mr Price has wallets on sale R25.99 each

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

*Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate.**
I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days"

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"

"eYebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he Die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"

"eNobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mista Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"eYes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Boss"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on Fire."

"What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a  Candle??!! "

eYes Boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mista Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY  FUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling  nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's New Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."



SILENCE................... ,

LONG SILENCE...................................................
........... .,

FINALLY ............................................,

"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!" *


   
   

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Letter to Bank Manager

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds", does that refer to me or to you?

Yours Faithfully.

Bob

[SandyB]

Ok  I wont lose my wallet to the girls .. but yes  do  lose  money each time I  go to Builders Whorehouse ... end up spending more .. theres always a nice  gadget on special ... only good thing  is  they do come in handy at some time or other ,,   

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

oh, so is that what you call girls "gadget"

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

A traveller's warning

 

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex..  I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '


eeeeeekkkkkk!!!!!!!!!

[Diana Rudd (Boehme)]

  enjoyed that.
I must share this with the Wilsons.....
Women will never be entirely happy, because there will never be a man with a chocolate penis that ejaculates money.