Georg´s Joke collection

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

Silly Questions 

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time........ I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
 
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
 
 
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[Bertie Horak]

 

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

   
   
   
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

 
When
The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

 
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

 
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

 
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:


 
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the

money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington , DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[georg ruf jr.]

 

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to New York I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he is going, he replies,

I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year. AAAAAAHHHHHH, What a riot !

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

Viagra

"If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your electrician."

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

 



Spoons

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to Pierre's restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.  When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same sort of string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, cer tainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm also mentioned they had found out that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.'

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered , 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission Don't Do It!

(5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

(8) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying **** YOU!

(9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

 

take this advise you men!!!!!

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

 


Pfizer announcement


The Pfizer  Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'  and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.




Thought  for the day:
There is more money being spent on  breast implants and Viagra today  than on Alzheimer's  research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there 

[Bertie Horak]

 

[georg ruf jr.]

Geez oldman. When are going to retire...

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

Geez oldman. When are going to retire...

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

Parrot

A parrot walks into a drugstore and asks for some chapstick. The pharmacists asks the parrot how he is going to pay for it, to which the parrot replies, "just put it on my bill."

[Carl Wrbka]