Georg´s Joke collection

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

For Pet Lovers






Friends

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The
man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly
occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking
beside him had been dead for years. He wondered
where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone
wall along one side of the road. It looked like
fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight..

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent
gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and
the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and
the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he
saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where
are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water
brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?'
the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'


The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the
road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill,
he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that
looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning
against a tree and reading a book.



'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an
old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,
and then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the
man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the
road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
 
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would
leave their best friends behind.'


Soooo.....Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding
jokes to us without writing a word.
 
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess
what you do?? You forward jokes!

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you
forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and
don't know how...you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what
you get?

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!!!

[Carl Wrbka]

 

Thanks Snr, keep them comming in 2009.

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

A SHORT LOVE STORY



A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they  were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet  to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow, that's a great idea!'" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[Bertie Horak]

 

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!



Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!

When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"



The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.I finished it o off with a black mask.



When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

[Bertie Horak]

  Excellent!!!!

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

Old men may walk slow BUT they think F A S T
An elderly man in Queensland , Australia had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'



Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can sure think fast

[Patricia Lotte]

Julius Malema meets with Nelson Mandela. He asks him, "Mr President,
how did you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give  to me?"
"Well," says Mandela, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Malema frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
Mandela takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer   an intelligence riddle."
Mandela pushes a button on his intercom. "Please send Thabo Mbeki in here,  would you?"
Thabo Mbeki walks into the room. "Yes, my President?"
Mandela smiles. "Answer me this, please, Thabo. Your mother and Father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Thabo Mbeki answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says Mandela.
Back in Luthuli House , Malema asks to speak with ANC president Zuma.
"Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It's not your  brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Zuma. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Zuma goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an  answer.
Finally, he ends up at the COPE meeting and bumps into Terror Lekota.
Zuma looks around to see if anyone can overhear them whisper, "Terror! 

Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Terror whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Zuma smiles and says "Thanks!"
Zuma goes back to Luthuli House to speak with the youth leader. "Say, I did some
research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Terror Lekota."
Malema gets up, stomps over to Zuma, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Thabo Mbeki!

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

"Anger Control "

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you

control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush....

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

Its better to check out the content before usage !!!



A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma
"where's Mom and Dad?"
and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.



Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma
"where's Mom and dad"
and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked,
"what gives?
Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue by mistake."

[Patricia Lotte]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her
right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Vereeniging, but I worked both sides of the Vaal Dam."

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART... Could also be in O/M Spar

This is why women should not take
men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted
that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart . Unfortunately, like most
men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is
like most women - she loved to
browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local
Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your
husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr.
Samsel are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms
and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks
in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato
juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee
and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service
Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET
FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the
camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they
would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if
they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
more...
9. September 4: Looked right into
the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling
guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the
store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible'
theme.

12. October 6: In the auto
department, he practiced his '
Madonna look' by using different
sizes of funnels.

13. October 18 : Hid in a clothing
rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21 : When an
announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position
and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not
least ..

15. October 23 : Went into a fitting
room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!
There's no toilet paper in here!'

[Patricia Lotte]

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. 
The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?
He replied, 'yes - caffeine'.
Have you ever been in the military service?
'Yes,' he replied.' I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked, are you disabled in any way?'
The guy said, 'Yes.... a roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer said O.K.  - You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting @ 10:00 A.M. every day.
The guy puzzled asks, 'if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me here at 10?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that!'

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

 

[Patricia Lotte]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."