Georg´s Joke collection

[toonfandangl]

   
Love Story

I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished
with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!          

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.


Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.


So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'


The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'


'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.


'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.


'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?'asked Satan.


'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,in an even tone.


'Did you know that I can cause you profound,horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.


'Yep,' was the calm reply.


'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.


'Nope,' said the old man.


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'


The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[toonfandangl]

George I have this one for you................Frank

Two women were playing golf.  One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.  The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.   'Please allow me to help.  I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
  'Oh no, I'll be all right.  I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.  He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.  At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She then administered a very tender and artful massage for several minutes and then asked, 'How does that feel?
  He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'      202

[georg ruf jr.]

 202
Hey Frank. You should start your own joke topic. Your jokes always get me laughing. Keep it up.

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

 

[toonfandangl]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'


And the man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.            rooster

[Bertie Horak]

  

[toonfandangl]

rooster
MORNING  EXCITEMENT



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got
to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!'


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'       

[Michael Alexander]

Gotta post more Frank, great stuff...... 

[toonfandangl]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'   


So he tied her up and went golfing. 

[georg ruf jr.]

 
This musta been Paula......
                                                     

[toonfandangl]

Two Little Kids in Hospital           baby baby

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid replies, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid answers.

Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year..........

[toonfandangl]

Here is a good tip for your sunburn!!!!...............................


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding
with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four  hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'......................................................

[toonfandangl]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great chest you have!'     

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'   


The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.                                                                 

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.  He catches
up to her and asks why she ran  out of the apartment like that.              rooster



The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
how short the fuse was!'                         

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

   
one of those days....A joke




Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.

Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that   more...heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."