AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

[Michael Alexander]

Hahahaha! Frank, liked that one

7/10

[toonfandangl]

                             Ahhhhh Psychology



A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and
explaining the phenomenon of  mixed emotions.




The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I
bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same
time.





     



        She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.



                                             

[toonfandangl]

THIS OUGHT TO  MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM &FUZZY


A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her  Grandpa.



When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"           



"What?" said her Grandpa.



"Make a noise  like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

                                                                                 

[toonfandangl]

                                            SEX AT 74



                          I've just found out I can still have sex at 74!








                I am so happy because I live at 68, so it's not far to walk home . . .






                                                    HANDY, EH?             

[toonfandangl]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
A man - "Ben from Australia " as he introduced himself - stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...





'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'               


OK OK OK its only a joke.......................

[toonfandangl]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as a real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.   

They start to , and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
                                                                     
"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.                             

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"               


                                             

[Patricia Lotte]

 

[Alfred Boehme]

He Said To Me!


He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?   


He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

 

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.




He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
 


He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

 

[toonfandangl]

.......................... ................

[toonfandangl]

                      Murphy,


'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
       'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:'So, Murphy, how was your day?'


       Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
       'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
     'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
       'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir,' says Murphy.
       'Bravo, ! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous Nun borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting and lies down on the table and
shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five  years I have not seen
any man!'' .........'Tunderin' lard Jaysus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.




'I put drops in her eyes.'

[Patricia Lotte]

When a couple celebrated their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, The minister asked brother Ralph to share some insight as to how he managed to live in harmony with the same wife for so many years.

Brother Ralph replied to the audience: "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, But mostly I took her traveling on special occasions".

The minister enquired: "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." Replied brother Ralph.

The minister then said: "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph.
Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th wedding anniversary?"

Ralph answered: " I'm going to fetch her."

[toonfandangl]

On the 23 of this month it was our 47th wedding anniversary       ......................Margaret wishes she was brother Ralph.....

[Patricia Lotte]

Why, because she only has 3 years left before you go and get her back from where ever you left her 22 years ago 

[toonfandangl]

.................. ......

[toonfandangl]

    Obviously best to be read out loud in your best 'Allo 'Allo accent.



Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.
.
"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible!
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me
out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.
"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle
platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."
"'And did you jump?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five
feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,
and 'e said "Jump!"."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my
dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e
said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."."
"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"


"A leetle, at ze beginning."