Georg´s Joke collection

[Patricia Lotte]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another crusty bread roll will fit up my !!'

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

 

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

How the economic stimulus works

Young Barry in Illinois bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Barry replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Barry said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Barry said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Barry said, "Yes, I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Barry and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Barry said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Barry said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Barry now works for the government.

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

A Little Irish Humor


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Finally Michael O'Conner looks
around and asks, "Well me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who
will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

"Discreet," says Paul, "I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll
ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your
husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop
dead", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

From a quiz show


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.


Q. If your are going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A.. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget..

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A.. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

 

[Bertie Horak]

Excellent Daddy G! 

[toonfandangl]

I hope this joke is OK its ADULT  but nothing bad


One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! 
   
T. B.  Bechtel, a  City Councillor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.



His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.     
 




   
HIS STATEMENT:
 
'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'
 


 
  'Red is positive,
 
   Black is negative, and
 
  Make sure his nuts are wet.'           202   

[toonfandangl]

Condom factory burns down in N.Z. 
                                                                                                                                                                       

        Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!
I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklnd hs burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!

PM: 'SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from....Brutain?'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!'

Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia ?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck!!
That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms;

10 enches long; 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one...

                                  MADE IN AUSTRALIA
                                        - SIZE: MEDIUM  rooster

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

 


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that?  I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said.  'This is a special day for me.  I
am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the
woman.
''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized
eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.   

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

 





rooster rooster rooster rooster

[toonfandangl]

-ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND---

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow
older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of house keeping as when they were younger. When
you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation
with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it
became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with
her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health
benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I
generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating
out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub
when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as
we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she
really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take them
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That
way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my
strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more
rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only
half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass
of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And,
as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating
women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to
help each other.

Signed

Jim



EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed
up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and
a sledge laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested
and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on
his golf club..........................................................................

[toonfandangl]

             Lipstick in School


According to a news report, a certain private school in  Cape Town  was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators... 202

[georg ruf jr.]

 

[georgswa (Georg Ruf) (RIP)]

That was effective