AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

[toonfandangl]

 

On a beautiful summer's day two South African tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of "Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch" they stopped for lunch.



"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very,very slowly?"



The waitress leaned over and said








"Burrrr.....Gurrr.....King."......................................

[toonfandangl]

 

The Human Body!Very informative!


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.


Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.


Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.  ..............................



             
       

[Mike Voden (RIP)]

Now I know why Jen is looking for the tape measure.............

[toonfandangl]

Mike!! I keep looking at my thumb...........and am simply amazed

CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?.....................TRUE

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon
on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck
was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a
square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting
on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent
the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for
reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the
iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting
problem was to make them of brass - hence,Brass Monkeys.


Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would
come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a
brass monkey.

And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar
expression?...............................................................

[toonfandangl]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash
your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return
to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.




I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!




OR I'M I THE ONLY MALE THAT DOES THIS...........

[Bob Molloy]

S'true.

Extract from an Australian medical magazine.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in
Brisbane.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants... I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Only in Ozzy (or perhaps America!!)

[toonfandangl]

Good one Bob!!!......................... this is an Aussie story if you do not understand and need
an interpretation I am willing to do so ............but at a price..................bottle of bundy.....I no!!! I'm
bloody cheap... 


Col, the Country Lawyer, ran across an old client outside of the Alice
Springs Court, an aboriginal lady who was beaming from ear to ear.



She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm
& a slab of
Fosters under the other.





G'day Mary, says Col ,
what are you looking so happy about today ?

Just been to da

fambly court

Col and look,

I got half da house and half
da contents !!



.............................................................

[Bob Molloy]

INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as  NEWS 5.0,   MONEY 3.0  and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 80 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail..

What can I do?

Reply

Dear  Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance
We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

[toonfandangl]

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4.. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.............

[toonfandangl]

                 


                            Some Days Aren't Worth Getting Out Of Bed


        A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring Cut off from his willy.

According to the attending Nurse, the girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his willy while he was asleep.

                             I don't know what's worse:

                    1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

                  2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring Got on your willy.

                  3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring !


                                                                                                         

[toonfandangl]

This is a perfect example of "do as I say and not as I do !!"

This  is just unbelievable, but why would I be surprised?



 

Tale of Two House.

House   #1
A 20 room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on
a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house, all heated by gas. In
one month this residence consumes more energy than the average American
household does in a year. The average bill for electricity and natural gas
runs over $2400 per month.  In natural gas alone, this property consumes
more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is
not situated in a Northern or Midwestern "snow  belt"  area. It's in the
South.


________________________________




House   #2
Designed by an architecture  professor at a leading national university.
This house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can
provide. The house is 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on a
high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds
geothermal heat-pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into
the ground.

The water (usually 67 degrees F) heats the house in the winter and cools it
in the summer.  The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas
and it consumes one-quarter electricity required for a conventional
heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled
into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and
toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The
collected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house.  Surrounding
flowers and shrubs native to the area enable the property to blend into the
surrounding rural landscape.

~~~~~

HOUSE #1 is outside of Nashville, Tennessee;  it is the adobe of the
"environmentalist" Al Gore.

HOUSE  #2 is on a ranch near Crawford, Texas; it is the residence of ex
President of the United States, George  W. Bush.

An  "inconvenient truth."

And, yes ...  I  DID check Snopes prior to forwarding it.
You can verify it at  :
http://www.snopes.com/politics/bush/house.asp<http://www.snopes.com/politics
/bush/house.asp>

                                             

[toonfandangl]

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?




Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.....

[SandyB]

Mmm now  we know how politics works ..  toeing the party line ...  very prevalent here ....

[toonfandangl]

Actual exchanges between pilots and  control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!"



My favorite
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
TWA  2341: "Center, we are  at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?"




From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long  takeoff queue: "I'm  f....ing bored!"

Ground Traffic  Control: "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown  aircraft: "I said I  was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"




O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."





A student became lost during a  solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,  ATC asked, "What was  your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for  takeoff."




A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down.  San  JoseTower Noted:
"American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not  able, take the Guadeloupe  exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and  return to the airport."



My favorite.   
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance  in  Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in  German): "Ground, what  is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in  English): "If you want  an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in  English): "I am a  German, flying a German airplane, in Germany  . Why must I speak  English?"
Unknown voice from another plane  (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"




Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern  702: "Tower, Eastern  702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind  Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report  from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and  yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our  caterers."




One day the pilot of  a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while  a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,"What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go  by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and  I'll have enough parts for another one."




The German air controllers at  Frankfurt  Airport  are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's  gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following  exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of  active runway."
Ground:  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main  taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are  going?"
Speedbird    206: "Stand by,  Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt   before?"
Speedbird 206  (coolly): "Yes, twice  in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."




While taxiing at  London 's Airport, the crew  of a  US Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came  nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground  controller lashed out at the  US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you  going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on  Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference  between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting  hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US  Air  2771?"
"Yes,  ma'am," the humbled crew  responded.
Naturally, the ground control  communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US  Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her  current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you  once?"

.................................................

[SandyB]

ouch !!