AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

[toonfandangl]

                   
                     Scotch with two drops of water.



A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'..............

[toonfandangl]

                                  Getting Old


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

                                                                     

[toonfandangl]

                     


                                     Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of
Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a
table in a cozy little restaurant.


So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over
there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his
head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not
looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by
a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took
the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

                                  The note read:

For me to accept this
bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a
million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your
pants'.


After reading the note, the man
decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the
note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver
it to the lady.

                                      It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari
Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my
several garages; I have beautiful homes in   Aspen and
Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back....

                                   Tiger         

[toonfandangl]

                                    Financial planning


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."


Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


            Women are so much better at financial planning than men.   

[georg ruf jr.]

 

[toonfandangl]

                                       It sucks getting old

                                    
                      Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

                          She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

                   I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch
                                       
 
                           






                   Apparently I'm not welcome at KFC anymore....................................

[toonfandangl]

                                         Married Life

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the dog



                                                                                                                       

[Mike Voden (RIP)]

Yes Frank, I know the feeling...........   

[toonfandangl]

                                  WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.  Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed a pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.  Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.


A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......


                     






                                       





                                            'Bastards won't let me fart.'

[georg ruf jr.]

                                         Married Life

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the dog



                                                                                                                       

Your story makes me feel better. I thought I'm the only guy with a dogs life.

[toonfandangl]

                                   
                                  "The Birds'n'Bees"



The Teacher was telling the children about "the Birds'n'Bees", and she
explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, ....Nine months
later, the STORK usually brings them a little baby from it's nest.(yeah,
we've all heard that one!)


At the back of the class, little Gemma put her hand up, and asked the
Teacher, "Are you sure about the STORK, miss?  I think you're getting your
BIRDS mixed up, 'cos my big sister just got a little baby, and she said it
was from a 'SHAG at the beach'!!!"

[toonfandangl]

                                       

                                                     The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy,  an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.










The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again...........

[toonfandangl]

                                           THE Hypnotism


I felt sorry  for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised  seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and  yelled F#*k  me!!





What happened  next will haunt me forever!! ......................

[Mike Stenson (RIP)]

 

[georg ruf jr.]