AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

[toonfandangl]

 

As we seniors know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.


I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem..


As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?


He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?


No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard ..................................................................

[toonfandangl]

The Dead Cow and Vet School ________

First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,                                       

'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his
finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.


'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.'

'I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'.....................................

[toonfandangl]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.   


When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.   

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great".  Now turn over on your left side and again,
While I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
With your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold  on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.




The guy begins, "One .. Two ...Three"........................................

[georg ruf jr.]

 

[toonfandangl]

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker and insightful philosopher. Simple, yet so profound!  Read the earthy wisdom of the famed Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday  Only a man of sagacity and maturity could so succinctly encapsulate his feelings at this decisive point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker."

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f**kin' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me .

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!.............................................

[toonfandangl]

Police in Birmingham just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Birmingham

Local residents were stunned.


A community spokesman said:  "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library !

[toonfandangl]

At Senior Citizens they had a quiz the other day.  I lost by one point.  The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?  Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.




One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.  It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not the correct answer either.




I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.




You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.




A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.  I said "How can you tell them apart?"  He said "Her brother's got a moustache."




Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.  I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"  Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!



The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives.  Apparently prophets are going through the roof!!




The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Well some of them made me smile..............................................................

[Patricia Lotte]

 

[toonfandangl]

                                                   
                                            Home Work


A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the
  difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David
  Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with
  David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would
  too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for
a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could
  be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts
  and a poofter.".........................................................................................

[toonfandangl]

                            It helps if you are Scottish to understand this joke

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organized a'ready: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'

Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?' 

.............




'Ach,' says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white "

[toonfandangl]

                                               



   If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it !) .............



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!) .......................


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes..

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..) ...................


A cockroach will live nine days without its head  before it starves to death.    (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)............................


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates  sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)..........................................

   
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) ..............................


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day......................

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) ..................


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.) ........................

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.   

(Hmmmmmm......)........



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.







A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.).....................



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
.....................................

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.   

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) ....................



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??).............................. ..........................

[toonfandangl]

Lubricant


Murphy's'  old lady had been  pregnant for some time  and now the time had come.

He brought  her to the  doctor and the doctor began to  deliver the baby.

She had a little boy,  and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.  'Hey,  Murph! You just had you a  son,!


'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy  got excited by this, but just then the  doctor  spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We  ain't  finished  yet, !'

The  doctor then delivered a little girl.

He  said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter,  !!!! She is a pretty lil ting,  too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by  this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,  we  aint got done yet, !'

The doctor  then delivered another boy and said,   Murph, you just had  yourself another boy,  !'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc,  what caused all of dem  babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph,  it was probably something that happened  during  conception.'

Murphy said,  'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph  and his wife went home with their three   children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night  that  we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat  dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah,  I  remember dat night...'

Murph  said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a  f"" kin' good  ting we didn't use  WD-40.

[toonfandangl]

Most people nowadays think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the car, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
















This works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well

Give it a Try???

[Michael Alexander]

   Can't see the pic Frank.....

[toonfandangl]

Is that better.........................................................