AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

[Mike Stenson (RIP)]

Us men stick together. A woman stayed away from home one night and told her husband she was with her best friend. He called her 10 best friends and they denied it. A man slept out and also said he was with best friend. She called his 10 best friends. 7 said that he slept over and 3 swore that he was still there. Us men stick together.

[Mike Stenson (RIP)]

Here is a good joke for today. An Irishman walks out of a Bar..... Well it can happen.

[toonfandangl]

                                                        BLOND JOKE..........................SORRY GIRLS





                                     
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob  and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. 
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

AUSTRALIAN LETTER OF THE YEAR

This apparently is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing! Please excuse the language contained within, but the author was understandably upset....


Dear Mr. Minister,


I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.  How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997,and yet, the  Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.  It is on my driver's license, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also.. would somebody  please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name  is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f**king astounded, if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SHIT! I apologize, Mr. Minister.  But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f**king address!! What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture.. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes.  I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl)..  And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?  If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!


Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f**king copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too f**king easy and makes far too much sense.  You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f**king heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo!
You know the photo.. the one where  we're not allowed to  smile?! ...you f**king morons

Signed -
An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!  In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.


However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know...  someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN f**kING PAKISTAN !!!. ......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all f**king idiots in governments all over...change please!!!!!!


Cheers for now,
Chris Leff

[toonfandangl]

                                                         
                                                                      Responsible consumption of alcohol 


    I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.      As you know most of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in our car.      Well, I, for one, have done something about it.       The other  night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.     After having far too much wine, and knowing full well I was wasted,  I did something I've never done before.       I took a bus home.      I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,











as I have never driven a bus before !!!!!!................................................

[Michael Alexander]

Jobs, Hope and Cash

[toonfandangl]

                                                 
                                                     A Male Fairy Tale:







Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "No!!!" .... And the Prince lived happily ever after and
rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted
and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his
age and drank whiskey, beer  and never heard bitching and never paid child
support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and
ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got
cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he
was frigin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up.
The end.

[toonfandangl]

                     A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat',
agreed to look  after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on
vacation. She had a large  house and believed that she could keep the two
dogs apart. However, as  she  was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds,   rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together, in obvious pain and  unable  to disengage, as so frequently
happens when dogs mate.



Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next and, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.



Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,



"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."



"Do you think that will work?" she asked.











"It just worked for me," he replied

[toonfandangl]

                                                  HONEYMOON

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees?  They're all lumpy and deformed!" 

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles.  It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." 

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...





Smallcox  !

[henniek]

you want to play - from a mid 70's mag

[toonfandangl]

                                      Maybe we should quit exercising and just wash our hair more !!

New information on shampoos:
I have just discovered this important information below.
Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight !!!

Well, I 've got rid of that shampoo and I'm going to start using Dish
Washing Liquid instead.

It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!  If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

...........

[toonfandangl]

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"  The shop keeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or one likethat widdle bwown one over there?" The

little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . .

"I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuc!" 

[toonfandangl]

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others.  This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.


The real moral of the story......

LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

........................

[Mike Stenson (RIP)]

.

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

Julia G goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.  After her talk she offers question time.  One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:


Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?

Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f*ck happened to Stanley?"