AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,
that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw
herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would
bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her
until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a
routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing
me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight
Ferry."

[Patricia Lotte]

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his GP.

'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him.'You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'
'Yes,' the man replies shakily.

'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.'

[Patricia Lotte]

A parrot on a perch is sitting in front of a pet store in Mitchell's Plain.
A woman walks by. The parrot says to her:
"Hey lady, djy's Baie lelik."
The woman is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she sees the same parrot and it again says to her:
"Hey lady, djy's Baie lelik." , upsetting her again.
The next day the same parrot again says to her:
"Hey lady, djy's Baie lelik."
The woman, furious, went into the store and said she would sue the store owner and have the bird killed.
The store manager promised he would see to it that the parrot would not be so rude again.
When the woman walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her:
"Hey lady."
She paused and said:
"Yes? "
The bird said: ............
"Djy wiet MOS!"

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

Drunk Driver - True story from Australia
>
> Only an Aussie could pull this one off !
> A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland .
>
> Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood
> pub late in the evening.
> The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that
> he could barely walk.
>
> The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
> quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
> five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was
> there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
> drove off.
>
> Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
> dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and
> then switched on the lights.
>
> He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then
> remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At
> last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
> road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
> started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over
> and carried out a breathalyser test.
>
> To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
> intoxication.
>
> The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police
> station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
>
> "I doubt it mate," said the man, "tonight, I'm the designated decoy"..
>

[toonfandangl]

No Ricky that's not true it did not happen at Mt Isa it was at Vassies pub in Ferntreegully Melbourne where the Burwood Hwy and Route 26 meets Ferntreegully Rd Route 22 I know this to be true as it was my mate Bob Fairman (God rest his Sole) was the decoy that night.



British humour, very politically incorrect !...................I realise its very racist but I did have a laugh at the third one down

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use
water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to
stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.



Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles
every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his
family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the
Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London :
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


Look I only send them on......................................................   

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?


Do you suffer from shyness?


Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.


Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.


You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regime of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.


Stop hiding and start living.


Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!


Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir...

[toonfandangl]

Council  Job Interview

A  bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The  interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies,  "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service  before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two  tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points  toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any  way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there  and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then  says, "O.K.. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right  away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can  start tomorrow at 10.00am – and  carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and  asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,
why don't you  want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment  y'know"


"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"  the interviewer says,



"For the first two hours, we just stand around  drinking coffee and scratching our balls
There's no point in you  coming in for that.

[toonfandangl]

                                  Mills and Boon Classic - The Storm



They  were together in the House.


Just  the two of  them.

It  was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had  come quickly and

each  time the thunder boomed he watched her  jump.

She  looked across the room and admired his  strong appearance....and
wished that he would take her in  his arms, comfort her and  protect her
from the  storm.


Suddenly,  with a pop, the power went out.... She  screamed..

He  raced to the sofa where she was  cowering.

He  didn't hesitate to pull her into his  arms..

He  knew this was a forbidden union and expected her  to pull  back.

He was  surprised when she didn't resist but instead  clung to  him.

The  storm raged  on....


They  knew it was  wrong...

Their families would  never understand... So consumed were

they  in their FEAR that they heard no opening of  doors...

just  the faint click of a camera..........................................................

[toonfandangl]

                                                           God and Perth

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired,  --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
----  "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,   ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet,"  --- replied God,   --- and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" ---   inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries.  ---  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said,   ---  "What's that one?"
"That's Perth, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and  humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,   ---  "But what about balance, God?   You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled,  --- "I will create Canberra! Australiers seat of Goverment
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.".................................................................

[toonfandangl]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'

.............

[Patricia Lotte]

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. 
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes  in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the African hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get  in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the
nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government employee, so he comes in, signs  the register and then goes home to sleep."

[Patricia Lotte]

SOUTH  AFRICAN BOERESEUN
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone
rings.

He hangs up grinning from  ear to  ear and orders a round for the whole bar
announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg  baby  boy.

Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says,
'We make 'em big back home folks.  My boy's typically South African. A
future 'Bok for sure.'

Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard.

One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.

Barman says 'We were going to call  you,  everyone's been making bets as to
how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he  weigh now?'

The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.

The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already
weighed 12kg on the day he was born'.

The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer,
wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and  says:  'Had him
circumcised, boet'.

[Simon Mason]

Paddy texts his wife.

Mary, Im just having one more pint & I will be home in twenty minutes.

If I am not home in twenty minutes,,,,,,,,, read this text again.

[Simon Mason]

 Little Susie gets home from school & tells her mum that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels & they said that she was very good.
Her mom said, "Dont do it, the boys only want to see your knickers".
Susie said, "I know, thats why I hid them in my bag!".