AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

[Simon Mason]

An American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani are all on top of the Eiffel tower.
The American throws a load of money over the edge.
"What did you do that for ?" The others ask.
"We have so much money in the United states that I can afford to!"
The Frenchman throws a load of champagne over the edge.
"We have so much champagne here, I can throw over as much as I like."
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says....."DONT YOU F^%ING DARE!" 

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.   What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.. "

[henniek]

Only ???
A lady phones her local Police Station and says: "My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet."
The Local Police Officer pauses and says: " Eish..seriaas . so Why don ye cook someting else den?"

[toonfandangl]

Poetic Justice?


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic
Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not
dead. Let me out!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through
his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal, the paperwork's already
done".

[toonfandangl]

                        There was a bit of confusion at the SPAR supermarket this morning.



When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the check-out girl said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my  MP about excessive security measures these days, I did just as check-out girl had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[Mike Voden (RIP)]

Thanks to Dennis B.............

Banned from Safeway.

Didn't like shopping there anyway.


Yesterday I was at my local Woolies/Safeway store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me - I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Safeway.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[Michael Alexander]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's
> temper and threatening manner.
>
>>
>
>>The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
>
>>
>
>>The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
> time ma hubbie comes home
>
>>drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
>
>>
>
>>The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
> your husband arrives home intoxicated,
>
>>just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
> Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
>
>>until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
>
>>
>
>>Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
> She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!
>
>>Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished
> an' swished, and he didnae touch
>
>>me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do
> that?"
>
>>
>
>>The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water
> does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth
>
>>shut that does the trick..."
>
>

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

Brian......

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got Into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody, surely" Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

" Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f#ckin' widow."

[Ricky Barron (RIP)]

Scottish Pragmatism


A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said,
"Why kin they no play at night?

[toonfandangl]

An older gentleman was

On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
To hear them say "you don't look that old."
_____________________________



------------------------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

###########################

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

***********************
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.


The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'


The old guy says, 'Well, Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair, Blue eyes, is buxom, wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says,

'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

               

[toonfandangl]

A water Bed in a German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed

but, oh well.....the best way to motivate people not to do something is to put up a sign saying people."Don't......get on the bed
people trying out the water bed makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies !
Turn on speakers and watch  It's in German, but that's OK

http://youtu.be/9wm-Ge8LL7o

[Patricia Lotte]

 Just love those two women at the end 

[Michael Alexander]

Scottish Restrooms...

[Mike Voden (RIP)]

With thanks to Dennis B

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia .
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye
and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.