Just To Make You Laugh

[Bertie Horak]

I pay R225 for TV licence per year, and the DStV bouquet is R469 per month.  Fortunately radio is free.

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

Hey Mike, get out of my crib and stop changing the topic, TV licences are no joke!!!!!



   


(now back to my music)     

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

ARE YOU A BITCH?



Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...
Double Income, No Kids.'

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B ., you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker.'

They turn to the woman and ask her,

'What are you?''
She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F .E , you know...
Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, 'B.I.T.C.H .'

What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison.

'Babe In Total Control of Herself.'


So ladies, next time somebody calls you a 'Bitch' SMILE, and say 'Thank You!!'

[georg ruf jr.]

Geez Paula!!! I'm so sorry about you. W.I.F.E. ???? That's not very charming for a woman your age....

             

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

No, I'm more the B.I.T.C.H one!!!!

[Julie Vice (Willson)]

    People call me a BITCH likes it's a bad thing  202

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

NO Speak English




A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...





(Please scroll down.)



































































What were you
Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!





I worry about you
Sometimes!












 
 







 

[Gregg]

@Paula

Why you so quiet lately?? Last entry on 13th and today is the 16th!

Girl, you're slipping!!! Will have to rename this topic "Once was Paula's Crib!" if you're not careful!

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

 

Watch it Gregg    , you may not see me but I'm always around and watching what's going on out here!!!



 

[Gregg]

Watch it Gregg, you may not see me but I'm always around and watching what's going on out here!!!

Oh???

Oh!!!!!

And here was me thinking you were only All Ears (the pink kind)!



Anyhoo, I'm quite safe...  You're in the UK, I'm faaaar away from there! Haha!

None-the-less you could take it out on my son I suppose (he's in Scotland)!

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

Now why would I want to go to Scotland, didn't they just loose the rugby      think your son's been bashed enough just from that!   


I can still bash you out here, take a closer look....... closer............closer......

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:



"What is the fastest thing you know of?"



Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN) , on his right , the man replied , "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.



"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN). "Hmm .... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ...that's a very popular cliché for speed."



He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply." Well , out at my dad's FARM , you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.



Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN) , the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer , stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But , before I could THINK , BLINK , or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already kakked in my pants!"



HE GOT THE JOB................

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

These classifieds were really put in the paper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little bastard.  Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog .. . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake..  Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR  SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.  Excellent condition.  £200 or best offer.  No longer needed, Got married last month.  Wife knows everything.

[Julie Vice (Willson)]

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in the Karroo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC'
says Van.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' said Van. 'You showed up here uninvited, you
want to get paid for the answer I already know to a question I never
asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are yet you
don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . ..Now give
me back my dog.

[Paula Gottsch (Willson)]

The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!